A little bit of sad

I'm not sure what it has been about the last week, or what has lead up to this last week, but I am finding myself extra sad for Tripp.

I think maybe it started a couple of weeks ago with parent teacher interviews. There were a number of parents who asked how many kids we had. When you have a child who lives in heaven, that feels like a bit of a loaded question. I told most of them about Tripp, but a few I didn't. After I felt bad I hadn't told all of them, but I know exactly why I chose not to. Sometimes it is hard to tell people about my dead baby. No. Check that.

Sometimes it is hard to receive people's reactions to my dead baby. 

I could make you a list of a dozen things in the last week that made me cry. I even cried twice in the van on the way to and from work. I don't do that as much anymore, so twice in one week is a lot. Last night all I wanted to do was eat. Stuff my broken heart would food. It is surprising how good indulging can make you feel. Even if it's only for a moment.

Maybe I am feeling this way because of the season. Easter is the celebration of the life and death of Jesus. When we share this story with Calder, we always comparing celebrating Christ's life to the way we celebrate Tripp's. Holidays are hard and I'm sure this one will be no different. I finally found a reason to feel glad for all this crappy weather - It will make lighting a candle feel even more comforting. Light and warmth.

Even as I type right now, my throat is tight and I am choking back tears. Maybe I just need an ugly cry.

On Wednesday I had a moment. In that minuscule flash of a moment, I felt as though I wasn't living the life I am living. In that moment there was no way I had a dead child. In fact, the life I was living felt like a bit of a dream. But it was only a flash and as quickly as the flash came, it went. And the reality of my life without Tripp became real again.

This week Calder had a friend over for a play after school. His friend noticed our growth chart and started reading the names. There were lots of Calder's markers and one for Boone, Hugh, and I. After Calder's friend had read all the names, Calder walked over to the chart, put his hand on the wall, and declared that "This is how tall my other brother, Tripp, would be." My heart swelled with love.

Hug your babies extra hard today. Happy Friday.