The devastating demise of the baby orange (UPDATED)

I have never laughed as much as I did single parenting Calder last night. First a bit of back story. On Friday night, our little fox, snuck into our bedroom and was on the iPad without asking. When he lied to me about doing it, I told him I wouldn't be mad and that I just wanted the truth. He admitted what he had done. I spoke to him about telling lies and sneaking around and we moved on. He had completely forgotten this lesson on Saturday. Before lunch I was folding laundry when I noticed it had been quiet for a couple of minutes in my room. Low and behold, Calder had snuck onto the iPad again. This time I moved him to his room for an extended time-out before lunch. After we wolfed down some soup, I tidied up the kitchen and again noticed the eerie sound of quiet. Calder had snuck onto the iPad again. This time he had locked our bedroom door and hid under the covers. He was swiftly barred from using the iPad for the rest of the weekend.

Now to last night. I had just pulled Boone out of the bath, but Calder wasn't quite done cleaning up the toys, so I left him to his business. Not long after I left I heard the tub draining. I shouted to Calder to see if he had rinsed the conditioner out. When he said he hadn't I instructed him to quickly get back in. I promptly finished dressing Boone and walked into the bathroom to see what the hold up was.

Apparently, the hold up was fun.

Calder had dumped about 1/4 of the tub water on the floor. Our bathroom floor is approximately 5 feet by 7 feet and Calder had turned it into a slip n' slide pad. He was flopping back and forth at top speed, skidding from end to end. Body parts were flying everywhere. I could barely keep a straight face when I saw his naked body streak across the floor and I told him to clean up the mess immediately. In fact it was so hard to keep a straight face that I had to promptly leave the bathroom to hide around the corner and silently KILL myself laughing. I shouted a few more orders from outside the bathroom, afraid that if I saw him I wouldn't be able to keep it together. You should have seen it. I honestly don't think I will ever forget it. I only have two regrets. One was that Hugh wasn't home to see it and the other was stripping down to give the pad a whirl. 

Not long after the pad was all cleaned up, Calder wanted an orange for a snack, so I got him all set up at the table before I headed off to nurse Boone. Calder can take forever to eat and if he gets his snack done before he reads there is way less distraction. About 5 minutes into nursing Boone, Calder appeared at the door with the tiniest piece of mandarin orange in his hand. Calder wanted to show off the baby orange he had discovered. I suggested he give it to Boone and Calder walked over and tried to shove the baby orange in Boone's mouth. Boone turned his head away wearily, not knowing what Calder was forcing on him. Calder repeatedly tried to put it in. It was a very confusing and annoying 30 seconds, so near the end of Calder's taunting, I tried to take the orange out of his hand and put it in Boone's mouth. Between my hands, Boone's hands, and Calder's hand, the baby orange came free and at this point and I directed it into Boone's mouth. Boone didn't bother to even give it a chew and swallowed it down.

Calder took two steps back and began welling up with tears. At some point during the 30 second exchange Calder had changed his mind. He had wanted to eat the baby orange. Calder started crying as he moved toward Boone. I could tell there might be a hit coming in from Calder, so I put my hands up in front of Boone. Calder didn't hit, but brushed his hands along Boone's belly, crying "I want the baby orange back!" I went with it and started to pretend to do surgery on Boone. Calder's tears subsided as he helped me operate and I thought the crisis was averted when he tipped his head back and I dropped the pretend baby orange in his mouth. I was wrong.

Calder started walking out of the room. He only got one step out when he turned around and started crying, "I want the baby orange!" After a minute or so of inconsolable crying, I suggested that maybe we check in Boone's diaper in the morning and he could have it back then. Calder's face relaxed and a smile crept on. I told him he could eat the orange then. He tipped his head back and started laughing out of control. Crisis averted.

Or Not.

Thirty seconds later it was back to wailing. I told Calder that he had to get out and shut the door if he was going to act like this because Boone couldn't eat with all the racket. It only took me asking a couple of times before I got Calder to comply. For the next 15 minutes, Calder sat outside Boone's bedroom door and WAILED. Seriously, it was as loud as any 5 year old could possibly cry. Boone had the most entertaining meal. Between periodically looking toward the door, perplexed by the sound coming from the other side, he also had to contend with my full bodied stifled giggles. As I sat there I wondered what is going to happen when something really sad happens to our boy - like when a girl breaks his heart or our dog dies.

I just finished feeding Boone when Calder opened the door.

"I WANT THE BABY ORANGE!"

"Calder. It. Is. NOT. Happening. It is gone. Now shut the door if you are going to continue to carry on. I need to read Boone a book"

Two books later, Calder open's the door again.

"I WANT THE BABY ORANGE!"

"Bud, it is gone. please shut the door."

"I WANT THE IPAD."

"You are definitely not getting that. Now, shut the door."

Five minutes later, with Boone tucked into bed, I got out to see Calder. He was still wailing about the baby orange, so I tell him he has one minute to get it together and stop crying or he isn't getting a story before bed. A minute or so later, composed, Calder comes to the table. I ask him if he wants to finish the orange that is left on the table. BIG MISTAKE. He busts into tears. Guess what? HE WANTS THE BABY ORANGE. At this point, he is crying as hard as I have ever seen him cry and it hits me. When he is old enough to have a girl really break his heart, he is not going to look to me for comfort. He won't sit on my lap and snuggle his head into my neck and cry. When his heart really gets broken, I will feel like my heart is broken and I won't be able to do a single thing for Calder. Last night, I could console our little boy over the baby orange, so that is exactly what I did. And I only had to sniffle back giggles once. For a solid 5 minutes, Calder sat on my lap and cried as hard as any 5 year old boy can cry. Just when I think things are winding down, Calder leans back, looks me in the eye and says, "Can I have the iPad?" SERIOUSLY? I forced his tear stained face back to the nape of my neck and bit my tongue. Taking the absence of a "No" as a positive, Calder asked again for the iPad. I broke his heart one more time when I told him it wasn't going to happen. He burst back into a wail I'm sure our neighbours heard and when he caught his breath, spit out, "But I REALLY wanted the baby orange."

At that point, I knew Calder's night was over. I carried him to bed and tucked him in. He wailed at the top of his lungs for 15 more minutes, coming out twice. Once to tell me that Boone hurt his feelings when he ate the orange and lastly to remind me that he REALLY wanted the baby orange.



I wasn't sure if you could really appreciate what I meant by wailing unless you heard it yourself. This is from when Calder was in bed. 

Happy Monday

Update:
This morning I was changing Boone's diaper and Calder asked me if Boone pooped out carrot. I knew where this was headed, but wondered if he did. I told him Boone wouldn't poop out carrot since we didn't eat carrot yesterday. Calder responded, "Yes, the baby carrot." When I told him again we didn't have carrots, Calder replied, "Oh - the baby orange." I asked him what he was going to do if we had found the baby orange in Boone's diaper and Calder stated the obvious, "Wash it off." Apparently, Calder really did want the baby orange.

Comments

  1. bahhahaahhahaha. Love this post.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I've just downloaded iStripper, so I can watch the sexiest virtual strippers on my taskbar.

    ReplyDelete

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