Tripp. . .

Tripp used to always be one of the first things I thought of when I opened my eyes, but last week I realized that I don't think of Tripp before getting out of bed anymore. I'm not sure when that started happening but I have been tearing up about it ever since I became aware.

The thing is, I know that it is okay if it takes me until I hop in the shower or have my first sip of coffee before he hops into my mind, but for some reason still hurts. I am grieving less and although I know that it is a good thing, it is just another reminder of how far I am moving from the moment I got to hold him in my arms. Maybe I need to think of it as moving closer to the moment I get to hold him again. . .

I told Hugh about my revelation last night. I could barely spit out the words. Saying it out loud hurt more than I ever expected. Since I became aware I have been trying each night to make a note to pay attention in the morning to when I think about him. Silly, really. If I actually remember my little mental note I will automatically think of him - not really a good indication of the actual time I might have thought of him in a non-forced situation. I guess I still want to be thinking of him first thing in the morning.

I've been wondering if I think of him less in the morning because Boone is here and I am busy cuddling and feeding him. . . I guess the reason doesn't really matter.

I wonder what Tripp would have been for Halloween . . . probably a dragon. That's what Calder was when he was 2. Would he have to be bribed to put his costume on like we had to bribe Calder at that age, or would he have been excited because Calder and Boone were all dressed up? Sigh.

Speculating on a scenario that doesn't exist hurts, but I guess I am looking for a little bit of hurt today.

I am going to make Calder and I some hot chocolate and turn on a show. A little bit of cozy time can do the soul good.

Comments

  1. I think you are entering the next phase of grief, Jordan. I don't think about my dad nearly as often as I used to (though I still think about him daily), and it bothered me at first because I felt as though I was forgetting him or dishonouring him in some way. It took me a lot of thinking to realize that I had come to terms with his passing; not that I thought it was fair or that his absence hurt any less. Perhaps you are feeling somewhat the same? Nonetheless, Tripp still feels your love and knows that you care deeply for him, regardless of when or how often you think about him.

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  2. Come to terms . . . Interesting thought. I will have to do some more thinking on what that means to me, because I agree with you, "coming to terms" would have to include the fact that it isn't fair. I am definitely not in the same place today that I was a year ago or even 6 months ago when he was the first thing on my mind every morning. Thanks for your thoughts, Rebecca. I like hearing where other people are on their grief journeys.

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