Everything happens for a reason.
Everything happens for a reason...
That is one of the worst things I can possibly hear when it comes to Tripp's death. In my mind there is no good explanation as to why Tripp was taken when he was and the idea that God has a bigger plan doesn't sit well with me. The God I believe in is good. He wouldn't hurt Tripp on purpose. He wouldn't hurt me on purpose.
I remember the first time I heard someone say it. I know exactly who said it to me. In fact, I know every single time it was said to me and who said it in each case. That is how badly it makes me feel. I heard it most recently this fall. I felt sick about it for 3 days. I don't think any of these people meant it maliciously. They were trying to be comforting. The problem is "Everything happens for a reason" is not comforting. I mean, think about it, what kind of reason would be a good one for ending the life of an infant? Maybe Tripp was going to grow up and commit a horrific crime? Maybe I did something horrible and my punishment is Tripp's death? Maybe a lesson needed to be learned and the only way to do it was to suffer a tremendous loss? They all seem silly and ridiculous. I have spent almost 3 years thinking about a reason to justify Tripp's death and haven't come up with anything even remotely plausible. A good reason does. not. exist.
I know some of you are thinking something along the lines of, "It isn't for us to try and understand God's plan." To quote the bible, "God is love" (1 John 4:8). If this is true, why would His plan consist of so much hurt, anger and sorrow? I guess I just don't understand. . .
If you truly believe things happen for a reason, nothing I say is going to change your mind about it. And honestly, I don't want to change what you believe. . . You won't be able to change what I believe. I just want those of you who feel this way to know that there are many of us out here, who have had our hearts ripped out, and don't believe there is a reason for it happening. We just believe that things happen and when you say there is a reason, it hurts us deeply, because we don't believe in a God who hurts and any reason we come up with ourselves only adds to an already desperate pain. I know you are NOT trying to hurt us, but because we have different beliefs than you do, your words can cut.
For those of you out there who say it, but haven't thought about it, I hope you consider choosing different words. . . My mom described this case best. . . Sometimes when people offer their condolences, they don't know what to say and they feel uncomfortable in the silence. These people start talking - rambling - and this is most often when "Everything happens for a reason" falls out of their mouths. They are trying to be comforting, but mostly, they are just trying to fill the air with something to cover up their own discomfort. It is okay to be uncomfortable. It is okay to fill the air. Just trying repeating things like, "I'm so sorry," "This must be so difficult," "Heartbreaking," and "What a loss." I have been this person before. I have said, "Everything happens for a reason," but I know differently now and so I do differently.
The truth is there are no words that make people feel better. What makes people feel better is knowing that you care. Choose words that show people that. "I am so sorry" fits the bill best.
That is one of the worst things I can possibly hear when it comes to Tripp's death. In my mind there is no good explanation as to why Tripp was taken when he was and the idea that God has a bigger plan doesn't sit well with me. The God I believe in is good. He wouldn't hurt Tripp on purpose. He wouldn't hurt me on purpose.
I remember the first time I heard someone say it. I know exactly who said it to me. In fact, I know every single time it was said to me and who said it in each case. That is how badly it makes me feel. I heard it most recently this fall. I felt sick about it for 3 days. I don't think any of these people meant it maliciously. They were trying to be comforting. The problem is "Everything happens for a reason" is not comforting. I mean, think about it, what kind of reason would be a good one for ending the life of an infant? Maybe Tripp was going to grow up and commit a horrific crime? Maybe I did something horrible and my punishment is Tripp's death? Maybe a lesson needed to be learned and the only way to do it was to suffer a tremendous loss? They all seem silly and ridiculous. I have spent almost 3 years thinking about a reason to justify Tripp's death and haven't come up with anything even remotely plausible. A good reason does. not. exist.
I know some of you are thinking something along the lines of, "It isn't for us to try and understand God's plan." To quote the bible, "God is love" (1 John 4:8). If this is true, why would His plan consist of so much hurt, anger and sorrow? I guess I just don't understand. . .
If you truly believe things happen for a reason, nothing I say is going to change your mind about it. And honestly, I don't want to change what you believe. . . You won't be able to change what I believe. I just want those of you who feel this way to know that there are many of us out here, who have had our hearts ripped out, and don't believe there is a reason for it happening. We just believe that things happen and when you say there is a reason, it hurts us deeply, because we don't believe in a God who hurts and any reason we come up with ourselves only adds to an already desperate pain. I know you are NOT trying to hurt us, but because we have different beliefs than you do, your words can cut.
For those of you out there who say it, but haven't thought about it, I hope you consider choosing different words. . . My mom described this case best. . . Sometimes when people offer their condolences, they don't know what to say and they feel uncomfortable in the silence. These people start talking - rambling - and this is most often when "Everything happens for a reason" falls out of their mouths. They are trying to be comforting, but mostly, they are just trying to fill the air with something to cover up their own discomfort. It is okay to be uncomfortable. It is okay to fill the air. Just trying repeating things like, "I'm so sorry," "This must be so difficult," "Heartbreaking," and "What a loss." I have been this person before. I have said, "Everything happens for a reason," but I know differently now and so I do differently.
The truth is there are no words that make people feel better. What makes people feel better is knowing that you care. Choose words that show people that. "I am so sorry" fits the bill best.
Very well said.
ReplyDeleteSorry, off topic...UGGS r on Beyond the Rack today :)
ReplyDeletewell said, friend
ReplyDeleteOh my goodness this is exactly how I feel. Every time someone says it about Kael passing my heart stinks a little bit.. I am sorry you to have had to feel that extra bit of pain. I agree I dont think people mean any ill by it but I just wish they would think sometimes before they speak. Big hugs mama!!!
ReplyDeleteI could've written this post. In fact... I kind of did, just in different words. I love it. You're so right. So so so terribly, unfortunately, and unfairly right, and you know all too well how right you are. I so wish you never had to learn this horrible lesson either, and that Tripp was still here.
ReplyDeletehttp://live-to-the-point-of-tears.blogspot.ca/2011/12/meant-to-be.html
Brigette, I'm sorry you hear it too. It really does suck.
ReplyDeleteDani, I went back and read that post. Thanks for sharing the link. I was going to comment, until I scrolled down and noticed I already had. Interestingly, I was going to post something similar. Do you feel more blessed with Brynlee? Was the heartbreak worth it? I think you should follow up post to that one :-)
Off topic - Anonymous, thanks for the tip. You saved me a whole pile of cash on my Christmas UGGS!!!
Food for thought before you wear UGHs...
ReplyDeletehttp://www.empathyforanimals.org/the-real-take-on-ugg-boots-2/
And this isn't spam. I am a regular reader :)