Thankful
We got to spend our weekend with both sides of our family. We are so fortunate to be able to live so close to some of the most important people in our lives. Thankful.
There are no pictures. I forgot my camera at home. Sigh. I am taking a photography class and was so looking forward to practicing in the beautiful fall weather. C'est la vie.
Well, I guess I shouldn't say, "There are no pictures." This picture was an iPhone snap. All the Hamilton grandkids. One missing. There was a hole. Hugh and I felt it.
On Sunday, I felt my heart urging time to turn back. I wanted to live in February 2011 just for a few precious moments. I even pondering going back to the fall of 2010 and having IVIG treatments so that Tripp would be born healthy and not sick. Crazy talk. Time only moves forward. This is my life, regardless of how badly my heart wants something else.
I rarely wish for a different outcome for Tripp anymore. It's not that I don't want it. It's just that it takes a lot of energy to wish for something that will never happen. It hurts so bad when I come back from my dream into the life that I actually have, that I don't let myself go there often. On Sunday, the pull was too strong and I thought about my missing little boy - Two and a half years old - Running around - Bouncing through the leaves with the other kids.
The weekend was about giving thanks and I am thankful. For a husband who puts my happiness above his and who supports me even when I'm off my rocker. For a 4.5 year old little boy, who is swiftly become a big boy who loves to learn (but only on his terms), crack jokes (that are terrible), and push my buttons (on purpose, of course). For a 7 month old who loves to cuddle and might even be becoming a mama's boy. He truly is my rainbow baby. For a little boy, forever 5 days old, who lives in my Grandpa Vince's arms in someplace far, or maybe not so far away from here, who has taught me more about love than I could have ever imagined existed. Thankful.
There are no pictures. I forgot my camera at home. Sigh. I am taking a photography class and was so looking forward to practicing in the beautiful fall weather. C'est la vie.
On Sunday, I felt my heart urging time to turn back. I wanted to live in February 2011 just for a few precious moments. I even pondering going back to the fall of 2010 and having IVIG treatments so that Tripp would be born healthy and not sick. Crazy talk. Time only moves forward. This is my life, regardless of how badly my heart wants something else.
I rarely wish for a different outcome for Tripp anymore. It's not that I don't want it. It's just that it takes a lot of energy to wish for something that will never happen. It hurts so bad when I come back from my dream into the life that I actually have, that I don't let myself go there often. On Sunday, the pull was too strong and I thought about my missing little boy - Two and a half years old - Running around - Bouncing through the leaves with the other kids.
The weekend was about giving thanks and I am thankful. For a husband who puts my happiness above his and who supports me even when I'm off my rocker. For a 4.5 year old little boy, who is swiftly become a big boy who loves to learn (but only on his terms), crack jokes (that are terrible), and push my buttons (on purpose, of course). For a 7 month old who loves to cuddle and might even be becoming a mama's boy. He truly is my rainbow baby. For a little boy, forever 5 days old, who lives in my Grandpa Vince's arms in someplace far, or maybe not so far away from here, who has taught me more about love than I could have ever imagined existed. Thankful.
This was the most amazingly beautiful post. Thank you for sharing it Jordan. How wonderfully you've captured with words what can usually only be felt with the heart, when my brain can't speak that language.
ReplyDeleteThankful for you. <3