Emotional Frankenstorm
I met my niece, Harper, on the weekend. And by met I mean I was in the same room as her. The best way to describe how I felt was uncomfortable. Anytime I am around a baby this is how I feel.
I haven't held a baby since I held Tripp. I haven't touched one. I have trouble even looking at one. I did look at my niece, though. I made myself. I want to get over my uncomfortableness around babies and it feels like the only way to do that is to face it. Harper is beautiful. Both Hugh and I forgot how small babies were. She is almost the exact same size Calder was a birth, Tripp was even smaller - funny how you forget.
Since my niece's birth, I have been feeling some additional anxiety around the birth of our baby. I am always worried about carrying it to term, about it being healthy, and about breastfeeding, but the emotions that I experienced when my niece was born have made me worry about the emotions I am going to feel when this baby is born.
Don't get me wrong, I haven't for a second thought that the birth of this child is going to be solely filled with sunshine and lollipops. I know that when I look at my newborn baby I am going to see Tripp and for as much happiness as I feel in that moment, I know I will be feeling an equal amount of grief. I think the emotions I felt when my niece was born just reminded me of how painful grief can be. I am frequently hurting, but I it has been a long time since I felt like ripping out of my skin and screaming at the top of my lungs. I worry that I am going to have some sort of emotional Frankenstorm when my new baby arrives. Not only will I be feeling happy and sad, I will be worrying about my baby's health, all the while dealing with the plethora of hormones that will be surging through my body.
In related news, I had my appointment yesterday at the Fetal Assessment Unit at RUH. Our baby is happy, healthy and sitting right at the 50th percentile for size (Our baby is also sitting head up which is explains why I have been feeling frequent kicks to my bladder!). He/She is practically perfect in every way :-) I head back to the FAU on Christmas Eve for another peak. Hugh and I are going to take Calder! So excited!
I haven't held a baby since I held Tripp. I haven't touched one. I have trouble even looking at one. I did look at my niece, though. I made myself. I want to get over my uncomfortableness around babies and it feels like the only way to do that is to face it. Harper is beautiful. Both Hugh and I forgot how small babies were. She is almost the exact same size Calder was a birth, Tripp was even smaller - funny how you forget.
Since my niece's birth, I have been feeling some additional anxiety around the birth of our baby. I am always worried about carrying it to term, about it being healthy, and about breastfeeding, but the emotions that I experienced when my niece was born have made me worry about the emotions I am going to feel when this baby is born.
Don't get me wrong, I haven't for a second thought that the birth of this child is going to be solely filled with sunshine and lollipops. I know that when I look at my newborn baby I am going to see Tripp and for as much happiness as I feel in that moment, I know I will be feeling an equal amount of grief. I think the emotions I felt when my niece was born just reminded me of how painful grief can be. I am frequently hurting, but I it has been a long time since I felt like ripping out of my skin and screaming at the top of my lungs. I worry that I am going to have some sort of emotional Frankenstorm when my new baby arrives. Not only will I be feeling happy and sad, I will be worrying about my baby's health, all the while dealing with the plethora of hormones that will be surging through my body.
In related news, I had my appointment yesterday at the Fetal Assessment Unit at RUH. Our baby is happy, healthy and sitting right at the 50th percentile for size (Our baby is also sitting head up which is explains why I have been feeling frequent kicks to my bladder!). He/She is practically perfect in every way :-) I head back to the FAU on Christmas Eve for another peak. Hugh and I are going to take Calder! So excited!
Very well said, Jordan. I still think you are incredibly brave and strong and I'm happy to see that you are still validating your emotions. You feel what you need to feel, nobody can tell you it's wrong for they are your feelings. In the meantime, your supporters will always be silently gathered around you, lifting you up in whichever way is needed. Much love
ReplyDelete^ Everything she said.
ReplyDeleteSo glad to hear that everything went well yesterday at your appointment! :) HURRAY!