Rewind

Lawson, Boone and I went to the park on the weekend when Calder was at hockey on Saturday. As we approached I told Boone I was going to go sit on Tripp's bench. Boone had already snuggled up to a boy along the creek and was trying to make small talk. As I was crossing the bridge to sit down I heard Boone say to the boy "Tripp dead." The boy looked at him and blankly stared. Boone recognized the boy didn't understand so clarified by saying, "Tripp dead. He with Kevin."

The boy didn't respond and began making his way to the bridge. Boone followed. They were examining the creek edge and Boone questioned, "What that?" The boy looked and replied, "A spider." To which Boone responded, "The Walking Dead?"

Seriously. I just about lost it.

* * *

I have been having a hard couple weeks. Lots of crying over Tripp and just feeling out of sorts. Today I was scrolling back through some older posts looking for a particular one. I stumbled upon Calder speaks about death. Stealing from Deena, I re-posting this from May 18, 2012. Calder was almost the exact same age as Boone.

Conversation with Calder last night:

C: Do you know people die sometimes?
J: Yes I did know that.
C: Sometimes people die with their eyes open and some people die with them closed.
J: I picture Tripp's last breaths. How did you know people die?
C: I just knew.
J: Do you know anybody who's died?
C: Uhhhh. . . . yah. . . monsters.
J: Your brother, Tripp, died.
C: Why?
J: I don't know honey.
C: Wrinkled brow and sad voice. Why?
J: I just don't know. Tripp is in heaven now.
C: I don't like heaven.
J: Heaven is a wonderful place. Tripp is in a really wonderful place.
C: I don't like it.

We talk about Tripp with Calder. Not very much, though. He still doesn't fully understand. And other than saying, "You have a brother, Tripp" there isn't much else to say.

I look forward to the day he fully understands. I am ready to see Calder upset that Tripp isn't here. I am ready for him to draw a picture of our family and put an angel in.

All things in time.

Four years later, Calder talks about Tripp multiple times a week.  On Monday we were at the dentist. Calder had sat nicely for 20 minutes while I was having my teeth cleaned before I handed over my phone. As he was playing the hygienist asked me how many kids we have. I responded, "Three at home." This is my way of honoring Tripp and protecting myself from a possible awkward conversation where I leave feeling bad. Calder, without even looking up from the phone, immediately responded, "Mom, we have four." There is no awkwardness for him. It is what it is. 

Calder includes Tripp in anything family related and gets excited when he gets to tell people about his three siblings. I just love him and his love for Tripp.

Happy Wednesday.