Clarification
I got some feedback after my last post and I realize I didn't paint a very clear picture. I want to do a bit of clarification because I pride myself on writing exactly how I feel and although I feel all those things in that post, there are a few things that I wish I would have added.
When we left the hospital I was consumed by sadness over our loss. I think it was the immense joy I was feeling to be able to bring a healthy Boone home that instigated this sadness. I talked about the idea of feeling sadness and happiness at the same time a lot when Tripp first died. When we left the hospital with Boone is the perfect example of that.
I don't spend hours crying over Tripp. When I put Boone to bed it takes approximately 5 minutes. I might have tears for half of that time and I might only cry once or twice a day (and I didn't cry at all this weekend). After I lay Boone down, I wipe my eyes and carry on with my day. The difference between now and 2 years from now is that my grief doesn't consume my life. I am able to let myself feel sad and then continue on with the rest of my day. It has taken two years for me to get to this point.
I agree with Kelly and the anonymous commenter. I am feeling a wack of emotions, some of which can't be helped (dang hormones). Having a newborn isn't easy as any mother knows and those of you who have struggled with breast feeding or have had a hard time recovering from your baby's delivery know even more how I am feeling. Boone is a great baby and a good little sleeper, but I am still lacking some serious z's and I have a tendency to get way more emotional when I'm tired.
My last post is sad, because the death of a child is sad. I just wanted to be clear that I have sad moments, but I'm not sad. I am happy. I have a wonderful life.
When we left the hospital I was consumed by sadness over our loss. I think it was the immense joy I was feeling to be able to bring a healthy Boone home that instigated this sadness. I talked about the idea of feeling sadness and happiness at the same time a lot when Tripp first died. When we left the hospital with Boone is the perfect example of that.
I don't spend hours crying over Tripp. When I put Boone to bed it takes approximately 5 minutes. I might have tears for half of that time and I might only cry once or twice a day (and I didn't cry at all this weekend). After I lay Boone down, I wipe my eyes and carry on with my day. The difference between now and 2 years from now is that my grief doesn't consume my life. I am able to let myself feel sad and then continue on with the rest of my day. It has taken two years for me to get to this point.
I agree with Kelly and the anonymous commenter. I am feeling a wack of emotions, some of which can't be helped (dang hormones). Having a newborn isn't easy as any mother knows and those of you who have struggled with breast feeding or have had a hard time recovering from your baby's delivery know even more how I am feeling. Boone is a great baby and a good little sleeper, but I am still lacking some serious z's and I have a tendency to get way more emotional when I'm tired.
My last post is sad, because the death of a child is sad. I just wanted to be clear that I have sad moments, but I'm not sad. I am happy. I have a wonderful life.
I thought that's exactly what you had written last time. It came through loud and clear to me! :)
ReplyDeleteI love the last line you wrote that mentioned that intense and amazing happiness doesn't replace, take over for, or change the grief you still have. It's so true about grief. ❤
I am glad that you've been able to see how you journey with that grief is changing... So empowering.
I interpreted what you said exactly that way.
ReplyDeleteNo matter how clear a person intends to be, there is a filter of emotion and presumption when someone else reads or listens, and the intent may become foggy in 'translation'.
I hear ya on the emotions and fatigue! The newborn period for me was never super blissful because I don't handle a lack of sleep well at all.