Skip to main content

Big Brother Tripp

I did a lot of thinking about the moments I would have during my pregnancy with Boone. In particular, I thought about how I would feel the moment I went into labour and the moment I met my baby. I guess those are the moments that any pregnant woman thinks about. They are the ones I thought about when I was pregnant with Calder, but it was different with Boone. When I played out going into labour I saw myself cry and felt fear roll through my veins. I was scared that the moment had arrived where I might lose another baby. And when I played out that moment of meeting my baby, I imagined being stricken with grief and feeling sorrow over the loss of Tripp.

Turns out I felt none of those things. It wasn't anything like I expected. 

I went into labour and felt like I was on a mission. I had a job to do and all my focus went to that. There was time for panic and fear, but I didn't feel those things. 

And I can't even put into words how I felt the moment Boone was born. It was kind of like a captivating musical performance. You can hear the accompaniment, but all your attention is on the vocalist. Tripp was there in that room. He was the background. But the moment Boone was born was Boone's moment.

I welled up with tears once or twice in the hospital thinking about Tripp, but I didn't get really emotional until it was time to take our healthy baby home. As Hugh and I headed to the elevator I felt a lump forming in my throat. By the time we stepped off, I was choking back tears. Hugh grabbed my hand and asked me how I was.

This is so different than the last time we left. We are bringing a healthy baby home and I can't stop thinking about the last time we left. 

I pictured the way the hospital mall looked like at 6 am. How I felt as Hugh pushed me, baby-less, down that long, empty corridor as we exited the building. It wasn't fair. I wasn't supposed to leave the hospital without Tripp.

It was supposed to be like this with Tripp. We were supposed to have this. 

I cried. Most of the way home.

I've been crying almost every day since for Tripp. Mostly in the quiet moments. In fact, Hugh is probably reading about my crying for the first time here. I cry when I hold Boone before I put him down for his nap. I feel robbed of those simple moments with Tripp. I look at myself in the mirror with Boone wrapped in my arms and can't help but think, it's not fair.  I am back to crying when I'm alone in the van on a regular basis. Having Boone is an everyday reminder of what I missed with Tripp.

There is infinite happiness in bringing home a healthy baby. It just doesn't put an end to grief. 


  1. You're right, it's not fair. And it's especially hard to deal with in these early days of mixed up hormones. Tripp is always with you. Enjoying Boone does need mean forgetting Tripp. A piece of your heart is missing and although it is hard, try to find peace within yourself. Don't beat yourself up over how you are feeling either. Motherhood is a gigantic roller coaster of emotions. I wish you health, peace and happiness.

  2. You know what I think about someone who would suggest that having a healthy baby *should* erase the grief? I think they are very shallow, because sometimes 1 + 1 doesn't equal 2 because sometimes the things in our lives are not equatable. I don't know if that makes sense...

    I think you have to remember that you are also a new mom and hormones can make emotions more vivid and painful. I am not saying you don't have a right to feel those things or that you shouldn't...rather, I am saying that it is normal for any mom to feel emotional in the postpartum period and you already have a heavy burden of emotions to deal with. It is not easy. You are doing great.

    Life won't ever be free of grief, but nonetheless we move forward and we can still feel joy through the grief.


Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

What I'm wearing

After my Simons' flop, I recently picked up three pairs of jegging capris at Costco. I think they were about $16 each. I got them in grey (above), teal (also above), and white. I absolutely love them and have been wearing them like crazy. My favorite of the two outfits is the bottom one. The jean jacket is Mavi and I HIGHLY recommend it. In fact, I recently bought another. Exact same style, different wash. This jacket was recommended by both Deena and Christy, so you really can't go wrong. The scarf is one I picked up this spring (Gap). I heart orange and teal. Last week I mentioned trying to define my signature look and that bottom one pretty much encapsulates it. . .
And here it is again. LOVE this one too. Cardigan and scarf are recent purchases along with the grey tee (Old Navy). Jeans are old (American Eagle) and shoes are old (Nine West). I can't wait to recreate this one!
These. Jeans. (Gap). I can't get enough of them. I wore them to professional development o…


All of Hugh's hockey buddies call him "Hammy".

Hugh has been calling Calder "Ham" for a long time. I can't even remember when it started.

Calder started calling Boone "Bean" when he first came home from the hospital. That evolved into "Boone Dog", "The Dog", and just simply, "Dog".  Boone is not a fan of nicknames. Often after we use one of his he will say, "I not Da Dog, I just Boone." Hilarious.

Boone has called Lawson "Dawsie" from about month two. (He called her "baby" for the first two months.) Last week Boone called her Lawson for the first time ever. It took a long time for him to put the "L" on Lawson. He would repeat after us "La La La La, Dawsie". He has said "Lawson" twice since the momentous occasion last week, but I think he got too much attention for using it and has moved back to "Dawsie". "Dawsie" likely isn't going any…

Calder Update

Has Calder ever gotten into sports the last couple of months!?! Below he is at a Rush lacrosse game with Hugh and his buddy Kohen. Calder has been watching baseball, lacrosse, and now the hockey playoffs like crazy. In fact, he has stopped asking to watch any of his "shows". He just wants to watch sports. Oh. . . and add NASCAR to that list. Our boy loves his cars. I don't think that will ever change!

Here is Calder's funniest shark tooth yet. His permanent tooth pushed through in front of his baby tooth!  It was like this for weeks. No gap toothed grin for this boy! Below is the day it fell out!
Calder is doing so well in school. His teacher speaks of what a great student he is. Hearing her say these things actually makes me wish he used a few more manners and a bit more kindness at home! LOL. But, if he is going to be on his best behavior somewhere, I want it to be when we aren't around. Although it was great to hear about Calder's learning successes at pa…