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Big Brother Tripp

I did a lot of thinking about the moments I would have during my pregnancy with Boone. In particular, I thought about how I would feel the moment I went into labour and the moment I met my baby. I guess those are the moments that any pregnant woman thinks about. They are the ones I thought about when I was pregnant with Calder, but it was different with Boone. When I played out going into labour I saw myself cry and felt fear roll through my veins. I was scared that the moment had arrived where I might lose another baby. And when I played out that moment of meeting my baby, I imagined being stricken with grief and feeling sorrow over the loss of Tripp.

Turns out I felt none of those things. It wasn't anything like I expected. 

I went into labour and felt like I was on a mission. I had a job to do and all my focus went to that. There was time for panic and fear, but I didn't feel those things. 

And I can't even put into words how I felt the moment Boone was born. It was kind of like a captivating musical performance. You can hear the accompaniment, but all your attention is on the vocalist. Tripp was there in that room. He was the background. But the moment Boone was born was Boone's moment.

I welled up with tears once or twice in the hospital thinking about Tripp, but I didn't get really emotional until it was time to take our healthy baby home. As Hugh and I headed to the elevator I felt a lump forming in my throat. By the time we stepped off, I was choking back tears. Hugh grabbed my hand and asked me how I was.

This is so different than the last time we left. We are bringing a healthy baby home and I can't stop thinking about the last time we left. 

I pictured the way the hospital mall looked like at 6 am. How I felt as Hugh pushed me, baby-less, down that long, empty corridor as we exited the building. It wasn't fair. I wasn't supposed to leave the hospital without Tripp.

It was supposed to be like this with Tripp. We were supposed to have this. 

I cried. Most of the way home.

I've been crying almost every day since for Tripp. Mostly in the quiet moments. In fact, Hugh is probably reading about my crying for the first time here. I cry when I hold Boone before I put him down for his nap. I feel robbed of those simple moments with Tripp. I look at myself in the mirror with Boone wrapped in my arms and can't help but think, it's not fair.  I am back to crying when I'm alone in the van on a regular basis. Having Boone is an everyday reminder of what I missed with Tripp.

There is infinite happiness in bringing home a healthy baby. It just doesn't put an end to grief. 

Comments

  1. You're right, it's not fair. And it's especially hard to deal with in these early days of mixed up hormones. Tripp is always with you. Enjoying Boone does need mean forgetting Tripp. A piece of your heart is missing and although it is hard, try to find peace within yourself. Don't beat yourself up over how you are feeling either. Motherhood is a gigantic roller coaster of emotions. I wish you health, peace and happiness.

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  2. You know what I think about someone who would suggest that having a healthy baby *should* erase the grief? I think they are very shallow, because sometimes 1 + 1 doesn't equal 2 because sometimes the things in our lives are not equatable. I don't know if that makes sense...

    I think you have to remember that you are also a new mom and hormones can make emotions more vivid and painful. I am not saying you don't have a right to feel those things or that you shouldn't...rather, I am saying that it is normal for any mom to feel emotional in the postpartum period and you already have a heavy burden of emotions to deal with. It is not easy. You are doing great.

    Life won't ever be free of grief, but nonetheless we move forward and we can still feel joy through the grief.

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