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Clarification

I got some feedback after my last post and I realize I didn't paint a very clear picture. I want to do a bit of clarification because I pride myself on writing exactly how I feel and although I feel all those things in that post, there are a few things that I wish I would have added.

When we left the hospital I was consumed by sadness over our loss. I think it was the immense joy I was feeling to be able to bring a healthy Boone home that instigated this sadness. I talked about the idea of feeling sadness and happiness at the same time a lot when Tripp first died. When we left the hospital with Boone is the perfect example of that.

I don't spend hours crying over Tripp. When I put Boone to bed it takes approximately 5 minutes. I might have tears for half of that time and I might only cry once or twice a day (and I didn't cry at all this weekend). After I lay Boone down, I wipe my eyes and carry on with my day. The difference between now and 2 years from now is that my grief doesn't consume my life. I am able to let myself feel sad and then continue on with the rest of my day. It has taken two years for me to get to this point.

I agree with Kelly and the anonymous commenter. I am feeling a wack of emotions, some of which can't be helped (dang hormones). Having a newborn isn't easy as any mother knows and those of you who have struggled with breast feeding or have had a hard time recovering from your baby's delivery know even more how I am feeling. Boone is a great baby and a good little sleeper, but I am still lacking some serious z's and I have a tendency to get way more emotional when I'm tired.

My last post is sad, because the death of a child is sad. I just wanted to be clear that I have sad moments, but I'm not sad. I am happy. I have a wonderful life.


Comments

  1. I thought that's exactly what you had written last time. It came through loud and clear to me! :)

    I love the last line you wrote that mentioned that intense and amazing happiness doesn't replace, take over for, or change the grief you still have. It's so true about grief. ❤

    I am glad that you've been able to see how you journey with that grief is changing... So empowering.

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  2. I interpreted what you said exactly that way.

    No matter how clear a person intends to be, there is a filter of emotion and presumption when someone else reads or listens, and the intent may become foggy in 'translation'.

    I hear ya on the emotions and fatigue! The newborn period for me was never super blissful because I don't handle a lack of sleep well at all.

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