Out of the Fog

It has been a long month for me. Having a newborn baby has caused my life to become a blur of doctor's appointments, feeds, and diaper changes.

I have been plagued with mama guilt. Guilt about not feeling well enough to do all the things I wanted. Guilt about sending Calder to daycare•. Guilt about not blogging. Guilt about getting behind on my photos and movies. Guilt. Guilt. Guilt.

Somewhere along the way I also lost a bit of my mama confidence. In fact on Monday, the first day I had both boys by myself, I had a super mom moment. In spite of a cranky baby, I got everyone fed, changed, and out the door on time. As I basked in my glory, I thought, "I am super mom. I rocked this. . . I probably wouldn't have been able to do it with 3, though." That was the start of a realization for me. It culminated with an email to a friend and a discussion with Hugh. Part of the reason I had been sending Calder to daycare was because I am healing at a snail's pace and struggling with breastfeeding. The other reason I had been sending him was because I didn't want to fail. I didn't want to have Calder at home, because if he was, I might not be able to do it - to be a mom to 2*. I have also been really negative about the things that aren't going well and I have been letting that negativity bring me down. Hugh reminded me of his mantra - We can choose to be happy. Although, I didn't want to hear that I had been very negative the last few weeks, I also needed to hear it. I am dealing with some sucky things, but rather than dwelling on that, I need to let my thoughts be consumed with the facts that I have a healthy baby and that as sucky as some of this stuff is, it is actually getting better.

The last couple of days the fog has lifted and I am starting to feel more like the mom I am and want to be.

Thank goodness!

• • •
• To be clear, the reason I don't want Calder at daycare has nothing to do with daycare! Calder loves it and couldn't be at a better, more loving home - I just want to be the one that he spends his days with.

*I started crying when I had to put that number. I didn't know to put 2 or 3? Or maybe 2 here one in heaven? Or maybe just 3? That uncertainty makes me sad.

Comments

  1. It would be impossible for you to fail as a mom of 2+1. This reminds me of the recent Dove ad that has surfaced. Instead of describing your appearance, you're describing your capabilities as a mother. Your own feelings and perspective will be very different from how others see you. Super mom it up and try to see yourself as others do - Caring, Loving, Protecting, Nurturing. You will undoubtably raise children who will thrive.

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  2. Remember me? I was stalking you at the rink one day a few months ago. Jordan, you are not alone in this. Guilt comes with being a mom. And it will drag us down if we let it. Some days I rock at being a mom and some days I fail miserably. I feel like super mom maybe twice a year. LOL. But the truth is I'm the only one "rating" myself. My kids are happy. In their eyes, I ROCK every day and I'm sure your boys believe the same about you! As far as having a newborn...I remember when my oldest was just a few weeks old and someone told me to enjoy it because time goes by so fast. I thought she was nuts because all I was worried about was getting enough sleep to be able to function as a human!
    Don't believe for one second that you couldn't have done as well for the last month if you had 3. Would every day life be different with 3 (or me with 4)? Absolutely! But, you would still have some days that are struggles and some days that you feel like mom of the year. I hope this is coming across the way I want it to. You are not failing. You are healing physically, you have a newborn, you are dealing with feelings about Tripp that have surfaced because of having a newborn, you have a busy 4 year old, and the list goes on. You are doing awesome!

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  3. I like what Brenda is saying. She is nailing it...

    I have said it before and I am going to say it again: You are too hard on yourself Jordan!

    You know what kids most need? Love....that's it. Whether you get lunch on the table at 11 or at 1, or if your kid wears mismatched socks, or goes to daycare or doesn't go really doesn't matter in the end. What matters is that your kids know they matter and I guarantee all three of your boys know you love them endlessly.

    Hugh is absolutely right. We don't find happiness...we CHOOSE happiness:)

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  4. Anonymous - I just happen to watch that commercial just before I read your comment. I had done some thinking about the beauty part of it, but hadn't made the connection to how I view myself as a mother. You are exactly right.

    Brenda - Of course I remember you! I am so glad you commented. You are right. It would be different if Tripp were here and although there would be days I would be frazzled, there would be days that I would be a super mom of 3. It would just be different.

    Kelly - I agree. Kids need love. And you are right. I do love my kids.

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