Just Jordan

Sometimes it feels like everyone is zooming ahead and I am just standing still. I want to zoom ahead. In fact, I want to hit the fast forward button and get to a place where I am further along in my grief, to a place where I am coping better. The last few weeks have been hard for me. I don't know if there is something about the 6 month mark, or just that summer is over and school is starting. Maybe it is both. Maybe it is something else entirely. On the way to work yesterday I felt angry. I am mad that I am on this journey. Isn't it enough that I am grieving the loss of my son? Do I need to also be struggling with seeing pregnant woman and babies? I have 2 coworkers who are expecting, so sometimes I feel like the only safe place is inside the walls of my home. I have read a number of baby loss blogs that talk about the loss of friends after the death of a child. I can honestly say that when I first read about this I couldn't believe it. I thought that those women'...

My Dad is 60 today. He doesn't like to have his picture taken, so we have lots of photos of him purposefully NOT looking. We also have plenty of photos with Dad making rabbit ears. We call this pose "Classic Dad." Occasionally, I can sneak a good picture by feverishly snapping and crossing my fingers. Here Dad was pumped that he shoved Hugh off in the sailboat without a lesson! I think Jes took the first picture in recent history where Dad meaningfully looked at the camera and smiled. It is a terrific picture. Dad looks awesome. (FYI: he is working under the cabin) Unfortunately, he has a paper towel bandanna wrapped around his head! Happy Birthday, Dad. We love you.

Today is the first day of classes for high school students. I struggled yesterday. I am not supposed to be back at work. I am supposed to be home with my 6 month old. My six month old. . .  I shed tears a number of times during the day, but powered through. We had things to get ready for our week. Groceries to be bought, meals to be made, laundry to be done. I ran around like crazy until 8 pm and then went for a run. Yesterday, I tried to be super mom. Every once in a while during my saddest days, I remember that I can honor Tripp by being the best mom I can possibly be. Yesterday was one of those days, but I got lost in my list. I worked in the garden, got lunches ready, cooked soup and stew. Calder and I had a bit of time together in the early afternoon, but it wasn't playtime.  I was too busy being super mom to play. I had everything under control in the kitchen when it was time for Calder to hit the hay, so I grabbed his hand and began leading him to his room. I want...

Today, Hugh and I have been married for 5 years. Hugh is an amazing person (and its not just me who thinks that). Hugh is competitive, but a good kind of competitive. Give him his skates, stick, and his Shellbrook Elk's jersey and he is fiercely competitive. He hates to lose and his favorite wins are the 10 - 2 type. If you know me, you know I am also fiercely competitive, but unlike me, Hugh knows where to draw the line. This summer we went canoeing while we were at the lake. I was taking more strokes than he was at one point and I started getting on him to pick up the pace. He told me it wasn't a race. What is the point of canoeing if you aren't going to see how fast you can go? Hugh is caring. If you are a parent of one of the students he has taught, you already know this. I think that's why when students from his elementary school come to my high school I automatically have a soft spot for them. Hugh cares about every kid that he comes into contact with and he h...

I first heard of Jack Layton's death on the radio on my way home from work Monday. I started bawling. I don't know much about politics, nor did I know much about Jack Layton, but his death shocked me. My grief for Tripp and my empathy for Layton's family got mixed together. He is only 61. Thoughts of "its not fair" rolled through my mind. The last few days I have thought a lot about Jack's family. I have been speculating about how Layton died. I have seen death and I wonder if Layton's was as peaceful as Tripp's. I have also been wondering what it was like for his wife in those last moments. I wonder if she was present when he died, or if he went in his sleep. If she was there, I wonder if she was begging him to stay with her or if she was encouraging him to go. If I had to guess, she would have been encouraging him to go. As much as you want your loved ones to stay with you, I don't think anyone wants them to stay in pain. I love that our count...

Today is better. The feelings from yesterday surfaced just before supper, but I had the strength to manage them better. I am glad this month's 23rd is over. I think it might have been harder than last month. In fact, I am pretty sure it was. Six months felt like a bit of a milestone. School start-up is CRAZY busy. There is no other way to put it. You try to do a half dozen things at once and somehow don't seem to get anything accomplished. I have spent a lot of time this summer working. I don't do "winging it." It doesn't mesh well with my personality. This semester I am prepping 3 classes all of which I haven't taught (it is all new curriculum). It is exciting to try something new, but I wish it wasn't this much all at once. I can get a bit overwhelmed at times. I'm in my 10th year of teaching, but this year's work load is going to make it feel like I'm in my 1st. I like having our full house. So does Hugh. Luke, we love you in OUR bas...

When Tripp first died, I asked our counsellor what I needed to do to get better. I wanted so badly for the hurting to stop. He told me to stop thinking about getting better for 6 months. Today is 6 months since we lost Tripp and I am not trying to get better anymore. I know that I can’t. Grief and sadness are part of my life. I have just learned to live with them a bit better. With that being said, it has been a hard day. I went into work today and couldn't get motivated. I read this blog and decided I needed to call a friend. There was no answer and instead of hanging up, I got choked up and left her a tear filled message. I miss her. Our relationship has changed. I am changed. Days go by between messages and return phone calls. I don't know the particulars of her day-to-day. I don't know what kind of baby her newborn is or how she is managing. I hate it. The last few times someone has asked me, "how's she doing?" I have bumbled out a makeshift answer by ...