Just Jordan

I got some feedback after my last post and I realize I didn't paint a very clear picture. I want to do a bit of clarification because I pride myself on writing exactly how I feel and although I feel all those things in that post, there are a few things that I wish I would have added. When we left the hospital I was consumed by sadness over our loss. I think it was the immense joy I was feeling to be able to bring a healthy Boone home that instigated this sadness. I talked about the idea of feeling sadness and happiness at the same time a lot when Tripp first died. When we left the hospital with Boone is the perfect example of that. I don't spend hours crying over Tripp. When I put Boone to bed it takes approximately 5 minutes. I might have tears for half of that time and I might only cry once or twice a day (and I didn't cry at all this weekend). After I lay Boone down, I wipe my eyes and carry on with my day. The difference between now and 2 years from now is that my g...

I did a lot of thinking about the moments I would have during my pregnancy with Boone. In particular, I thought about how I would feel the moment I went into labour and the moment I met my baby. I guess those are the moments that any pregnant woman thinks about. They are the ones I thought about when I was pregnant with Calder, but it was different with Boone. When I played out going into labour I saw myself cry and felt fear roll through my veins. I was scared that the moment had arrived where I might lose another baby. And when I played out that moment of meeting my baby, I imagined being stricken with grief and feeling sorrow over the loss of Tripp. Turns out I felt none of those things. It wasn't anything like I expected.  I went into labour and felt like I was on a mission. I had a job to do and all my focus went to that. There was time for panic and fear, but I didn't feel those things.  And I can't even put into words how I felt the moment Boone was born....

We celebrated Calder's 4th birthday with some of his friends a few weeks ago! Poor kid had his party delayed when his brother refused to make a timely entrance to this world!  Here is Calder getting ready for a big hockey game vs Hugh! My mom was concerned that although I picked the most flattering picture of Boone for my last post (the one of him sitting on my lap) it still wasn't flattering. Here is a better one of our sleeping beauty.

I have received an overwhelming response on my blog, Facebook and through texts to my "Out of the Fog" post. Thank you everyone for all your support. I really needed to hear your stories and affirmations. The first commenter on that post mentioned the new  Dove commercial . It is worth a watch if you haven't seen it yet. On the radio they were talking about Dove's motives. Are they truly trying to get women to think about themselves in a different way? Or are they trying to sell a product? Dove is owned by Unilever, who interestingly enough also owns Axe.  I personally don't care if their sole motive is to sell their product, because even if it is the byproduct is so powerful that it has women challenging how they look and feel about themselves.  I watched that commercial and questioned how I would describe myself. I think I am pretty fair, but even as I described my features in my mind I realized I was probably doing so in a way that no other person w...

It has been a long month for me. Having a newborn baby has caused my life to become a blur of doctor's appointments, feeds, and diaper changes. I have been plagued with mama guilt. Guilt about not feeling well enough to do all the things I wanted. Guilt about sending Calder to daycare•. Guilt about not blogging. Guilt about getting behind on my photos and movies. Guilt. Guilt. Guilt. Somewhere along the way I also lost a bit of my mama confidence. In fact on Monday, the first day I had both boys by myself, I had a super mom moment. In spite of a cranky baby, I got everyone fed, changed, and out the door on time. As I basked in my glory, I thought, "I am super mom. I rocked this. . . I probably wouldn't have been able to do it with 3, though." That was the start of a realization for me. It culminated with an email to a friend and a discussion with Hugh. Part of the reason I had been sending Calder to daycare was because I am healing at a snail's pace and strugg...

This morning Calder decided he wanted to dig out his trains, something he hasn't done in months. As he played on the floor, he commentated to me what each of the trains were doing. When he got to James I interrupted. "Calder, do you know Boone's middle name?" "No." "It's James! Boone James Hamilton.  Calder, do you know your middle name?" There was a pause and a thoughtful look on Calder's face.  "Yes! Calder Dad Hamilton" Pretty darn close, honey! * * * When searching for a first name for our kids, Hugh and I both made a point with all 3 to look for names on our own and create our own lists. My cousin, Cindy, had given us a bunch of baby name books and these became our main source of searching. (Although with Boone, Hugh did use a baby name app quite a bit!). It was important to us that each of our children's middle names were chosen not only because we liked them, but also because they had significance to us. ...

It has been so long I'm not even sure how to start. We have had some ups and downs the last two weeks. Most times when I start spinning a blog post I want to complain about one of the (seemingly infinite) difficulties we are having. Then I come to my senses. I don't want to write a complainy post. I am not convinced it will make me feel better and all the things I want to complain about come with having a newborn. And that is something I really don't want to complain about on this forum. When Tripp first died there were many, many times where I held my breath or cried as a mother complained about struggles with nursing or her lack of sleep. I would have given ANYTHING to have her problems. All I could think about as she spoke or as I read the status on Facebook was, "If only you knew what it meant not to have those problems." There were other times after Tripp died where I would be talking with a friend and they would begin to complain about some aspect of t...