Today, I am feeling glum. It started yesterday and led me to spending the better part of the afternoon in my room thinking, reading, and crying.

Not sure how I am getting out of this one. I feel like shopping. Clothes don't totally fill the void, but it is strange how spending money and having new things do actually give you a (false) sense of happiness.

Yesterday was the anniversary of Tripp getting his wings. I woke up like it was a regular day. I truly believe one day doesn't need to be any more sad than any other day, but somewhere my subconscious had other plans. It started when I saw flowers at the grocery store after lunch. It made me think about how before Tripp died I thought giving flowers to family after someone dies was a waste of money. I felt like it would be better spent making a donation to a charity or something, but when Tripp died we got quite a few flowers. They filled our living room. They were so pretty and they smelled so beautiful. And just like a new outfit might make me feel today, those flowers really did make me happy. I remember the sadness I felt when they started to die. I loved them that much. I bought some flowers at the grocery store and just like that the sadness of Februrary 23, 2011 started creeping in. I tried to battle. I really did. I got home and continued on with my plan of making lasagne, but just as I finished and plopped on the couch to lose myself on my phone, Hugh's country playlist started "If I Die Young" by the Band Perry. And just like that I was finished.

I wonder how tall Tripp would be. Would he like hockey? Would he be an introvert like Calder or extroverted like Boone? He would be able to read. Grade 1. Hardly seems possible. How fast 7 years have went when I think about the boy he would be.

But then we go to the Blades' game. Our billet, Brad, tosses our girl a puck. She lights up. Lawson loves him and he makes her feel so special. She calls him her brother (as do  oone and Calder. . . Calder actually got himself into an argument with a friend at school about it). Lawson held on to that puck the entire game. She was carrying it around the concourse during the second period intermission while she skipped ahead and did some sort of sideways shuffle in front of us. That moment wasn't lost on me. She looked happy and healthy. She is our bonus baby and I'm so glad I have her. Sometimes it does feel like her or Tripp. I could never begin to choose, which I guess is why I never got to.

Today's plan includes a shower and maybe a trip to Winners.


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