Guest Post Luke: Men at Ikea

     I've recently been blessed with 2 trips to Ikea in the last 3 months, and with a lot of time on my hands while in Ikea I came to notice a few similarities in all the men walking around there.   As I was taking notes on every man I saw, and mostly myself, I came up with different types of guys and what their role was with their significant other.  

       The first guy, who I believe to be the most common, is "The Turn Back Man".  This man believes that, just like in racing, if he stays in front of his significant other he can use drafting to increase her speed and keep her on track.  This never works and he subsequently becomes the "Turn Back Man".  He is constantly 4 steps ahead and turning back over and over when SHE sees something else they "might" need.  It is tough, because when entering Ikea men want to do as little walking as possible, but this has us taking even more steps. It is the slight chance that SHE stays in our slipstream and flies through the course store that makes it worth it. 

      The second guy is what's known as the "Yes Man."   Recently made more popular by a Jim Carrey movie of the same name.  This guy is always being asked by SHE whether he thinks something looks good, or would look good in their house.  This guy will quickly take a look around at all the other options that SHE could potentially look at if he says he doesn't like it and immediately spits out "YES! It looks good."  The "Yes Man's" method is nearly flawless, but can turn bad when SHE realizes he's just saying "yes" every time. This can cause her to get VERY angry, which unfortunately can not go good for any man.  When SHE gets angry she is usually at the point where she is fed up with you. She subsequently loses interest in everything else, because she is steaming at you over your YES answers.  This ends making your Ikea trip a straight walk through to check out through to the parking lot. Cue the hidden fist pump. Worry about the upset woman once your on the freeway. 

      The third guy is known as the "Extension of the Cart Man"  Most every man has been this guy on at least one Ikea trip.  Her cart is full and SHE is only a quarter of her way through the course store.  This means you're going to start hearing the curse words, "Can you hold this?" over and over again.   Once this happens you have successfully become "Extension of the Cart Man".   This has actually happened to me every single time I've been in Ikea.   SHE once felt bad for me, so instead of making me hold another purchase, SHE asked me if I could just run and get another cart. GREAT!!! A whole other cart to fill!!! I agreed to get one, but explained to her that SHE could NOT move from where she stood so that I could at least come back and be able to find her. Cue the Fourth guy. 

    You should all know from that lead up that the fourth guy is, of course,  the "Lost Man."  Being lost is very common at Ikea. For one, their map they have looks like this:

I consider myself a pretty good map reader. I can go up North fishing or even on back roads and not get lost.   Unlike this map, there isn't ONE curved walkway in Ikea! This map is brutal! And I beg you, NEVER under any circumstances, take a short cut!! I encourage you to just follow the arrows. It may seem like the long way, but it will get you there in the end. 

     So, after SHE asked me to find another cart, I got in gear. It meant more walking, but I was sick of holding things.  I take off, reiterating to her that SHE stay right there. After walking for 5 minutes and taking a couple "short cuts'" I thought I was on track until I saw the back of her head and realized I was right back where I started.  Saving embarrassment, I quickly hid behind a dresser so she didn't see me and headed back where I came from. Unfortunately, I didn't really know where that was.  Five more minutes of walking and I came across her dad.  I told him what I was up to and motored on.  Five more minutes passed and a couple more "short cuts" later, I got a text from here dad saying "Come back to where you saw me I found a cart".  I laughed out loud. Like there was any hope in me finding him again.  Meanwhile in my travels I noticed a lot of guys wondering aimlessly like myself. This made me feel better.  In fact, I made eye contact with several of the wanderers.  We gave each other that same look of "I know how your feeling and will not ask you for directions."  That soft head nod to each other felt like we'd known each other for years.  Five more minutes passed and I came across her again! I hid and snuck away again. I was very impressed that SHE was still waiting patiently.  Long story short, I finally found the cart made it back to her only to find that SHE gave up on me and moved on.....Still lost.

     Lastly, there is the "Cart Pusher Man". SHE thinks her significant other is being polite when he offers to push, but this man is just seeing an opportunity to lean on something in order to keep his body semi-upright and not have to wander in and around the merchandise. 

Some other insights from Ikea:

    I heard one guy questioning his woman's style (like he cares), because he thought that the dishes she liked might not have been dishwasher safe.  This is crucial to us. Ladies, please help us out here. We did come to Ikea with you. It's the least you can do.

   

    Women, it would benefit any man you are with to give us something to do. Let us know that you can't find something. We'll take it as a challenge and go hunting.   We want to find whatever it is before you do, and as fast as possible, even if you say "don't worry about it". We WILL find it by wandering around like a hound dog with it's nose to the ground till we do.  There is usually a direct link between our need to hunt and becoming the "Lost Guy", but it's a price we are willing to pay.  

     I don't understand the love to shop that women have, but I had major respect for a woman that I saw walking around who had to be 8 months pregnant!!! COME ON!!  I've been to Ikea after having a big lunch and couple beers and only I lasted about 10 minutes as the "Cart Pusher" and immediately became the "Lost Guy" in the couch section. Pregnant shoppers in Ikea. . .RESPECT.

     Men, keep your heads up in Ikea. I was taking notes for this post while we were shopping. I looked down at my phone for mere seconds, looked back up and lost her!! I was fearful I might not see her till check out!

  

 Another heads up for men:  Just when you think you've completed the course you will find yourself not even close. There is ANOTHER level. You have to walk the exact same course through the impulse buy section!  But, if you make it through this and the check outs within sights. 

    Don't worry, Men. Eventually you will have made it through the check out. It's all over. At this point you ask her if you can have a $1 frozen yogurt, like a young kid after a baseball game. You fist pump when she tosses you the loonie and run over. You're happy again. All is well and forgotten.

Then just as you're finishing the yogurt you realize that you have to put 2 carts of stuff into the back seat of a car......F$%@!!!!