Just Jordan

Today, I am feeling glum. It started yesterday and led me to spending the better part of the afternoon in my room thinking, reading, and crying. Not sure how I am getting out of this one. I feel like shopping. Clothes don't totally fill the void, but it is strange how spending money and having new things do actually give you a (false) sense of happiness. Yesterday was the anniversary of Tripp getting his wings. I woke up like it was a regular day. I truly believe one day doesn't need to be any more sad than any other day, but somewhere my subconscious had other plans. It started when I saw flowers at the grocery store after lunch. It made me think about how before Tripp died I thought giving flowers to family after someone dies was a waste of money. I felt like it would be better spent making a donation to a charity or something, but when Tripp died we got quite a few flowers. They filled our living room. They were so pretty and they smelled so beautiful. And just like a ne...

Tomorrow would have been Tripp's 6th birthday. I take photos of the kids for their birthday, but I have no new ones of him. He is my forever baby. . . . It is actually funny. For years I pictured him as a baby, but lately I picture him as a kindergartener. Not sure how or when that changed in my mind. I wish I knew more about how heaven work and what he was doing right now. I think of Tripp more times a day than can be counted. I think of him without even being aware that I am thinking of him. There would be no possible way to count even if I tried. How many times a day do you think about your kids? Its the same thing with Tripp. Although, I don't have to think about getting him to hockey or having a snack ready for him after school, his being is woven into the fabric of my life. I think about him not being here all the time. Sometimes it comes from sadness and sometimes it is born of curiosity. What would our lives be like if he were here? What kind of boy would he be? How...

A friend of Calder's, a boy in his class, had a brain tumor removed a couple weeks ago. It is cancerous. He is 6.  I have heard people speak about how strong his mom has been. I feel no doubt in the truth of this. I have thought over and over about the strength this mama is portraying. So much so that I felt the need to reread this post from 5 years ago. It is one of my favorites .  The first time I began thinking about being strong was right after Tripp's funeral.  We were standing around and people were coming by to pay us their respects.  Over and over, people were saying, "you are so strong".  My immediate thought was  no, I'm not.  No, I'm not. NO I'M NOT. In the next few weeks, I got more emails, cards, and words about how strong I was.  I felt uncomfortable with it.  It would be one thing for someone to compliment me on having a good ball game, or being a good teacher.   I believe those things, so I am flattered when someone ...

Lawson, Boone and I went to the park on the weekend when Calder was at hockey on Saturday. As we approached I told Boone I was going to go sit on Tripp's bench. Boone had already snuggled up to a boy along the creek and was trying to make small talk. As I was crossing the bridge to sit down I heard Boone say to the boy "Tripp dead." The boy looked at him and blankly stared. Boone recognized the boy didn't understand so clarified by saying, "Tripp dead. He with Kevin." The boy didn't respond and began making his way to the bridge. Boone followed. They were examining the creek edge and Boone questioned, "What that?" The boy looked and replied, "A spider." To which Boone responded, "The Walking Dead?" Seriously. I just about lost it. * * * I have been having a hard couple weeks. Lots of crying over Tripp and just feeling out of sorts. Today I was scrolling back through some older posts looking for a particular one. I stu...

Merry Christmas Family and Friends, We will start with our most exciting news. If you did not already know, Jordan is pregnant again. She is due in February and we are excitedly awaiting the new arrival. We really need to get on thinking about possible names! Calder is excited for the baby…we think it is mostly because he will be getting bunk beds. Boone isn’t sure what is going on but loves giving his mom’s belly zerberts all the time. Once again, Jordan goes weekly for IVIG. Even though it is hard on her body, she feels much better after each of the treatments this time around versus when she was pregnant with Boone. Boone started the year off taking his first steps, but then took his pretty little time starting to talk. Luckily, it feels like his continual screaming is finally tapering off now that he has a few words in his repertoire. Boone is picky at the table and has learned how to scowl at food he doesn’t like and say “yuck”. Hugh and I can’t wait to lay down the law when ...

Often it feels like things stay the same when it comes to Tripp, but when I really get to think about it things are always changing with him as well. I don't have milestones to reach with him, but my feelings are forever evolving. I can't tell you how my heart swells to tell you this. Calder talks about Tripp ALL THE TIME. He often says he wishes Tripp were here to play with, or wonders where Tripp would be sitting when we are all piled on the couch. Calder also will correct anyone who suggests he only has one brother and when he counts people in our family he always says 6 (new baby included). He also wanted to take a picture of Tripp to school along with our family picture (They are learning about families and Madam requested a picture). This feels incredible to me, because it was only about a year ago that I wondered if Tripp's life would have an impact on Calder's at all. I felt sad thinking it might not, but I also understood that it was Calder's life and wha...

I'm not sure what it has been about the last week, or what has lead up to this last week, but I am finding myself extra sad for Tripp. I think maybe it started a couple of weeks ago with parent teacher interviews. There were a number of parents who asked how many kids we had. When you have a child who lives in heaven, that feels like a bit of a loaded question. I told most of them about Tripp, but a few I didn't. After I felt bad I hadn't told all of them, but I know exactly why I chose not to. Sometimes it is hard to tell people about my dead baby. No. Check that . Sometimes it is hard to receive people's reactions to my dead baby.  I could make you a list of a dozen things in the last week that made me cry. I even cried twice in the van on the way to and from work. I don't do that as much anymore, so twice in one week is a lot. Last night all I wanted to do was eat. Stuff my broken heart would food. It is surprising how good indulging can make you feel. Even...

February 18 came and went. As much as I love celebrating Tripp, I am glad to see the day pass. For whatever reason I find this week in February more difficult than any other typical week, so I always feel a sense of relief when it is over. This year I didn't let myself go back to those moments of 2011. I thought about the best ones, like when I started bawling when they said, "It's a boy" because I was so happy and when I almost blew my incision right out laughing while eating lunch with Hugh in the hospital cafeteria. I let myself remember what it was like to hold Tripp in my arms and what it felt like in those very special moments that Hugh and I purposely never shared with anyone. The rest I left a blur. It wasn't an easy day, but as always my days are always better with Hugh and our kids, so that's exactly how we spent it. I tweeted our day, if you want to take a look click HERE . You can also see a number of the other wonderful things people did #Rememb...

Tripp's birthday is tomorrow. He has been at the forefront of my thoughts all week and I have done quite well not letting my grief creep in. I have been reminding myself that the best way to express the love I feel for Tripp is to be happy. I know from the depths of my soul that Tripp doesn't want me to be sad and I feel like I finally have the strength to better honor his wish. About a month ago I read THIS  guest post on Kelle Hampton's blog. I was touched by the writing and the story and was inspired to act. I grabbed a package of Hershey's Hugs and left them on the doorstep of a random house. I wrote the hash tag #honoringmaura on the bag and tweeted a picture of my kindness with the same hash tag (at the request of the post's author). As I drove away after my drop off, I knew this was something I wanted to do for Tripp's birthday. Tripp has touched my life in ways I could never begin to express. I am grateful and thankful that he was brought into my l...

A good friend posted THIS on her Facebook wall stating, "Jordan  this reminded me of some of the great yet terrible ways you have taught me to be a better friend."  How true. Good can come from tragedy if we choose to learn from it.  The article is titled, "6 Mistakes People Make When a Friend's Child Dies", but I think the lessons transfer to a number of situations.  For me #4 really hit home. The first Christmas is hard and seeing pictures of other people's healthy bundles ripped at my soul. I found birth announcements even harder. I know they were never sent with the intention to hurt, but part of me just felt like healthy babies were all around me, yet I didn't have the one I wanted in my arms. The cards were a fast reminder of how unfair things had become in my life and what I had lost. Just over a year after Tripp passed my cousin and his wife sent me a birth announcement and thank-you card for their precious little bundle M. Inside the  envel...

Everything happens for a reason... That is one of the worst things I can possibly hear when it comes to Tripp's death. In my mind there is no good explanation as to why Tripp was taken when he was and the idea that God has a bigger plan doesn't sit well with me. The God I believe in is good. He wouldn't hurt Tripp on purpose. He wouldn't hurt me on purpose. I remember the first time I heard someone say it. I know exactly who said it to me. In fact, I know every single time it was said to me and who said it in each case. That is how badly it makes me feel. I heard it most recently this fall. I felt sick about it for 3 days. I don't think any of these people meant it maliciously. They were trying to be comforting. The problem is "Everything happens for a reason" is not comforting. I mean, think about it, what kind of reason would be a good one for ending the life of an infant? Maybe Tripp was going to grow up and commit a horrific crime?    Maybe I did s...

I am feeling less sad today, but I still wanted to share THIS video. It is called It Happens To A Family Every 21 Minutes, Yet No One Is Talking About It I saw it posted on a friend's Facebook wall. She is someone I met through the loss of our babies. She lost her angel 3 years ago this past week.  When I first saw the video post I didn't want to watch it. I knew it would make me cry. I pondered it for a couple of days and in the end watched it in honour of my friend's baby. I connected in so many ways. I am glad I watched it. I wanted to share in case there is someone else out there reading my blog that wants a connection and to feel a bit less alone on this journey. Happy Tuesday.

Tripp used to always be one of the first things I thought of when I opened my eyes, but last week I realized that I don't think of Tripp before getting out of bed anymore. I'm not sure when that started happening but I have been tearing up about it ever since I became aware. The thing is, I know that it is okay if it takes me until I hop in the shower or have my first sip of coffee before he hops into my mind, but for some reason still hurts. I am grieving less and although I know that it is a good thing, it is just another reminder of how far I am moving from the moment I got to hold him in my arms. Maybe I need to think of it as moving closer to the moment I get to hold him again. . . I told Hugh about my revelation last night. I could barely spit out the words. Saying it out loud hurt more than I ever expected. Since I became aware I have been trying each night to make a note to pay attention in the morning to when I think about him. Silly, really. If I actually remember...

Tuesday 9:25 pm Today was a day I thought about Tripp a lot. It started when I read THIS blog. It made me cry and wonder what Tripp would say to me if he could. I went into the city today. Alone. It was a treat to have time to think on my own. I heard songs on the radio that brought Tripp to my mind and tears to my eyes. I'm not even sure now what the songs were. I think it was maybe a day that I needed to have a cry and those songs gave me the freedom to release. I went shopping for a dress to wear to my brother's wedding in August. While I shopped I thought of the last time I attended a traditional wedding 2 years ago. I was nervous about seeing people and self conscious about how I looked. I was sporting my post-pregnancy body without my baby on my hip. This time I was much kinder with myself as I shopped. It helps that Boone is here and he will be on my hip at Luke's wedding. I went to a couple of stores looking for something that Boone could wear to the wedd...

We were at my parents this weekend and after a bit of a sleep in on Sunday I devoured some pancakes and breakfast sausage (there is no better than my dad's). My mom, brother, Hugh, Calder, Boone, and I then joined my Grandma Fritshaw at her church service later in the morning. It was the first time I have been to church since before Tripp died, with the exception of a funeral. I believe in God. I just am still not sure how the church fits into my life, yet. When we arrived at Grandma's church we were welcomed by numerous members of her congregation. What a friendly group of people! I spent most of the service in the "babies" room. Boone was hungry and cranky. When I finally got him settled the sermon was winding down. The pastor's wife played THIS video for us. It is worth a watch - although I didn't watch the whole thing. It is a video about a mother's love. I knew when it started playing it would be sad, but would have an uplifting message. I immedi...

I got some feedback after my last post and I realize I didn't paint a very clear picture. I want to do a bit of clarification because I pride myself on writing exactly how I feel and although I feel all those things in that post, there are a few things that I wish I would have added. When we left the hospital I was consumed by sadness over our loss. I think it was the immense joy I was feeling to be able to bring a healthy Boone home that instigated this sadness. I talked about the idea of feeling sadness and happiness at the same time a lot when Tripp first died. When we left the hospital with Boone is the perfect example of that. I don't spend hours crying over Tripp. When I put Boone to bed it takes approximately 5 minutes. I might have tears for half of that time and I might only cry once or twice a day (and I didn't cry at all this weekend). After I lay Boone down, I wipe my eyes and carry on with my day. The difference between now and 2 years from now is that my g...

I did a lot of thinking about the moments I would have during my pregnancy with Boone. In particular, I thought about how I would feel the moment I went into labour and the moment I met my baby. I guess those are the moments that any pregnant woman thinks about. They are the ones I thought about when I was pregnant with Calder, but it was different with Boone. When I played out going into labour I saw myself cry and felt fear roll through my veins. I was scared that the moment had arrived where I might lose another baby. And when I played out that moment of meeting my baby, I imagined being stricken with grief and feeling sorrow over the loss of Tripp. Turns out I felt none of those things. It wasn't anything like I expected.  I went into labour and felt like I was on a mission. I had a job to do and all my focus went to that. There was time for panic and fear, but I didn't feel those things.  And I can't even put into words how I felt the moment Boone was born....

It has been so long I'm not even sure how to start. We have had some ups and downs the last two weeks. Most times when I start spinning a blog post I want to complain about one of the (seemingly infinite) difficulties we are having. Then I come to my senses. I don't want to write a complainy post. I am not convinced it will make me feel better and all the things I want to complain about come with having a newborn. And that is something I really don't want to complain about on this forum. When Tripp first died there were many, many times where I held my breath or cried as a mother complained about struggles with nursing or her lack of sleep. I would have given ANYTHING to have her problems. All I could think about as she spoke or as I read the status on Facebook was, "If only you knew what it meant not to have those problems." There were other times after Tripp died where I would be talking with a friend and they would begin to complain about some aspect of t...

Hugh was off work Monday through Wednesday. We fit lots of family stuff in - swimming, a couple of hockey games, and a bit of laying on the couch! I have been enjoying being with the boys and have put writing on the back burner. I would like to thank everyone for the thoughts, prayers, lit candles, flowers, balloons, messages, and the random acts of kindness that were done to acknowledge Tripp's birthday. It really does feel wonderful to know so many people care about us and about Tripp. Saturday is the 23rd. The two year anniversary to Tripp's death. I have been trying not to think about it this week and have actually been fairly successful at it. I really don't know what Saturday will bring. We don't have plans and I don't really want to make any. With Tripp's birthday and the anniversary of his death being so close together, I just want to kind of ignore the anniversary. Not sure if that's healthy, or if it will even work. Who am I kidding? As m...

Today I am going to celebrate my youngest baby. He would have turned 2 today. I often think about what Tripp would be doing if he were here. How tall he would be or the number of words he would be saying. I try to imagine what he would look like as a 2 year-old. But most of the time Tripp is just my baby and that's how I see him. I saved writing this post until this morning. I wanted to write in the moment. I didn't want to predict how I would feel. I wanted to let myself write from February 18. I want today to be a celebration of Tripp, but in this moment I am sad. I have tried not to think about the details up to this point, because they bring up the emotions that make this moment hurt. In my mind, we started our formal celebration of Tripp's birthday yesterday with a visit to the zoo. We knew we wouldn't have much time today. I really feel closet to Tripp outside. I loved it. This morning we don't have plans. We will probably bundle up, hop in...