Just Jordan

Tomorrow would have been Tripp's 6th birthday. I take photos of the kids for their birthday, but I have no new ones of him. He is my forever baby. . . . It is actually funny. For years I pictured him as a baby, but lately I picture him as a kindergartener. Not sure how or when that changed in my mind. I wish I knew more about how heaven work and what he was doing right now. I think of Tripp more times a day than can be counted. I think of him without even being aware that I am thinking of him. There would be no possible way to count even if I tried. How many times a day do you think about your kids? Its the same thing with Tripp. Although, I don't have to think about getting him to hockey or having a snack ready for him after school, his being is woven into the fabric of my life. I think about him not being here all the time. Sometimes it comes from sadness and sometimes it is born of curiosity. What would our lives be like if he were here? What kind of boy would he be? How...

A couple of weeks ago I became aware how often Tripp gets mentioned by Calder. I would say, on average, he mentions him 4 - 5 days a week. Some of the things he has recently said: "Our whole family is in this bathroom. We can't see Tripp, but he is here." "Tripp is older than you, Boone." "I think Tripp would play with Sam and Claire if he was in kindergarten. If he was in the other class he would probably play with Max." "Tripp would sit next to me if he were here." The art work around the world map was done by Calder at the end of August. You can't really tell, but Calder's name is cut out on the left hand side (it starts at the bottom). Also, not sure why he put the Ps on top Tripp's name!  Boone also has started inadvertently talking more about Tripp. If you recall in the spring we had a little exchange that led from Tripp being dead, to heaven, to Kevin the minion. There have been a number of times in the last ...

A friend of Calder's, a boy in his class, had a brain tumor removed a couple weeks ago. It is cancerous. He is 6.  I have heard people speak about how strong his mom has been. I feel no doubt in the truth of this. I have thought over and over about the strength this mama is portraying. So much so that I felt the need to reread this post from 5 years ago. It is one of my favorites .  The first time I began thinking about being strong was right after Tripp's funeral.  We were standing around and people were coming by to pay us their respects.  Over and over, people were saying, "you are so strong".  My immediate thought was  no, I'm not.  No, I'm not. NO I'M NOT. In the next few weeks, I got more emails, cards, and words about how strong I was.  I felt uncomfortable with it.  It would be one thing for someone to compliment me on having a good ball game, or being a good teacher.   I believe those things, so I am flattered when someone ...

Lawson, Boone and I went to the park on the weekend when Calder was at hockey on Saturday. As we approached I told Boone I was going to go sit on Tripp's bench. Boone had already snuggled up to a boy along the creek and was trying to make small talk. As I was crossing the bridge to sit down I heard Boone say to the boy "Tripp dead." The boy looked at him and blankly stared. Boone recognized the boy didn't understand so clarified by saying, "Tripp dead. He with Kevin." The boy didn't respond and began making his way to the bridge. Boone followed. They were examining the creek edge and Boone questioned, "What that?" The boy looked and replied, "A spider." To which Boone responded, "The Walking Dead?" Seriously. I just about lost it. * * * I have been having a hard couple weeks. Lots of crying over Tripp and just feeling out of sorts. Today I was scrolling back through some older posts looking for a particular one. I stu...

This morning Boone and I started talking about his brothers as I got Lawson dressed. Jordan: You have two brothers, Calder and Tripp. Boone: Calder and Tripp? Jordan: Yes! Boone: Where is Tripp? Jordan : Tripp died and he lives in heaven now. Boone : Tripp died?  At this point Boone's face started to turn. He was confused and then that quickly changed to sadness. His mouth turned down and his lip started to quiver. It occurred to me for the first time. I think Boone just figured Tripp out. We have a stuffed bear that was given to Tripp when he was born. Boone has adopted it and we call it simply, Tripp's bear. Boone often gets confused when we talk about Tripp and mentions "Tripp's bear". We celebrated Tripp's birthday, but I never saw the flash of understanding like I got this morning. As I started tearing up along side Boone, I wondered if he was playing off of me. He was sad. I got sad. He got sadder. I gave him a soft smile and he drifted...

5 years. We celebrated Tripp's birthday as a family last Saturday. Sushi and cake! I have felt very emotional this year. Five feels like a big one. We are snowboarding today. I feel closest to Tripp when I am outside. Although, I won't be able to sit on his bench today, I know the mountain air will have little pieces of Tripp suspended in it.  I plan to breathe them in. My chest feels heavy. Last week my sister sent me THIS . I have seen it on Facebook before and it is really good. "T he waves never stop coming, and somehow you don't really want them to." Today I will be on Instagram and Twitter. Follow me @jmhammy or #rememberingtripp to connect with us and with Tripp. Please use the hashtag if you do anything in memory of Tripp. It touches our hearts. Love Jordan

Hello, Boone! Calder, your hair!  Lawson, your tongue! Boone. What. Is. That. Smile?  Hugh actually said, "He looks like the devil." Calder. What. Is. That. Smile? Really? Again, Calder? Boone. Sigh. It got so bad with the kids that the photographer suggested we hop in. Hugh, by chance, was coordinated with the kids! On our way to the photo shoot I told Hugh that I would have canceled had it not been part of a one day fundraiser. The photos are beautiful quality and I think the photographer really didn't get a chance to snap our perfect shot with our two sick kids. I would definitely ask her to shoot our family again if Deena wasn't available. I kept the print of Tripp. I have a nice white frame at home that I think would have looked even nicer in these shots. I definitely will file the location and idea for another day. I am the featured blogger on the Blended Blog today. I enjoyed writing for them and hope I get asked again! ...

I headed back to work last Friday. We had just gotten over the puking flu. Well, everyone but Hugh*. It felt good to be back. I love planning and organizing and I had a couple of days in my new school to do both those things. It was a slow process. Being in a new building has it bumps. I didn't even know where to get Kleenex from, but I feel very confident that I am going love my new colleagues and students. Last week was a real test of my "super" mom abilities. I came down with a nasty cold on my first day back and ended up taking two half days off my full first week because I couldn't even function. If you have seen or talked to me in the last week, you likely commented on my voice. Between my cold, having previously lost my voice (it is more susceptible to injury) and projecting my voice to my students, my vocal cords have thrown in the towel. I really need this week to be better. Today I have felt okay. I also slept in until 7 am napped for 1.5 hours. I am ner...

We were so lucky to have Deena come and shoot some photos of us at the end of August. Or was it the beginning of September? Obviously it was long enough ago that there were leaves still on the trees and there was some seriously nice lighting at 6 pm. I truly value these pictures. I take lots of photos but never seem to get a collection like this even when I snap dozens. For me it is worth the money to have someone come in and take them. If my BFF wasn't available I would definitely be finding someone else to try and do the job Deena does. These photos seem to capture our family perfectly. The one above of the three kids is my favourite of the whole shoot.  This is a narrowed down collection of my favourites. My job this afternoon is to get Picassa working on my computer so that I can create a large collage for our living room wall.  I purchased school pictures of Calder for our immediate family this year, but really debated it. They are SO expensive....

The one thing I know for sure is that these two boys love Lawson fiercely. They can't get enough hugs, kisses and cuddles with our girl. I hope she is always this spoiled with love from them. I know that at some point that love will look like screaming and wrestling, but I am confident that Calder and Boone will protect and care for her long after I am gone (and I am just as sure she will do the same for them).  A homecare nurse last week commented that Lawson is such a lucky girl to have 2 big brothers.  Calder quickly corrected her. "She has 3 big brothers. Two here and one in Heaven." I love this about Calder. He doesn't hesitate to tell it like it is. Talking about Tripp is just part of how things work at our house. Lawson will never have a photo with Tripp, but he certainly will play a part in who she becomes. Just as he has played a part in who Calder has become.  Boone loves to sit and hold Lawson. But mostly only when the t.v. is on. Please not...

Merry Christmas Family and Friends, We will start with our most exciting news. If you did not already know, Jordan is pregnant again. She is due in February and we are excitedly awaiting the new arrival. We really need to get on thinking about possible names! Calder is excited for the baby…we think it is mostly because he will be getting bunk beds. Boone isn’t sure what is going on but loves giving his mom’s belly zerberts all the time. Once again, Jordan goes weekly for IVIG. Even though it is hard on her body, she feels much better after each of the treatments this time around versus when she was pregnant with Boone. Boone started the year off taking his first steps, but then took his pretty little time starting to talk. Luckily, it feels like his continual screaming is finally tapering off now that he has a few words in his repertoire. Boone is picky at the table and has learned how to scowl at food he doesn’t like and say “yuck”. Hugh and I can’t wait to lay down the law when ...

I realized on December 23 that I hadn't made the outdoor ice candle holders I usually make. Maybe not a big deal, but the very first year we had Christmas without Tripp, I made some for our front step and for beside Tripp's tree in his memory.  You might also remember that many of my neighbors put them outside of their houses to show me their love for our boy. Once I realized my blunder, I instantly started sobbing. There are so many things to think about and until I started thinking about visiting Tripp's tree on Christmas morning, I had forgotten about the ice candle holders. After a brief meltdown, I gathered my strength and reminded myself there was likely still time to get a couple of candle holders made. . . And then I couldn't find the mold. That evening we went into the city to see Santa. We got to the mall and headed to Santa's chair. We were the first ones in line. I took a quick glance at the Santa hours and my heart dropped. The hours on the 23rd were ...

Often it feels like things stay the same when it comes to Tripp, but when I really get to think about it things are always changing with him as well. I don't have milestones to reach with him, but my feelings are forever evolving. I can't tell you how my heart swells to tell you this. Calder talks about Tripp ALL THE TIME. He often says he wishes Tripp were here to play with, or wonders where Tripp would be sitting when we are all piled on the couch. Calder also will correct anyone who suggests he only has one brother and when he counts people in our family he always says 6 (new baby included). He also wanted to take a picture of Tripp to school along with our family picture (They are learning about families and Madam requested a picture). This feels incredible to me, because it was only about a year ago that I wondered if Tripp's life would have an impact on Calder's at all. I felt sad thinking it might not, but I also understood that it was Calder's life and wha...