Just Jordan

Today, I am feeling glum. It started yesterday and led me to spending the better part of the afternoon in my room thinking, reading, and crying. Not sure how I am getting out of this one. I feel like shopping. Clothes don't totally fill the void, but it is strange how spending money and having new things do actually give you a (false) sense of happiness. Yesterday was the anniversary of Tripp getting his wings. I woke up like it was a regular day. I truly believe one day doesn't need to be any more sad than any other day, but somewhere my subconscious had other plans. It started when I saw flowers at the grocery store after lunch. It made me think about how before Tripp died I thought giving flowers to family after someone dies was a waste of money. I felt like it would be better spent making a donation to a charity or something, but when Tripp died we got quite a few flowers. They filled our living room. They were so pretty and they smelled so beautiful. And just like a ne...

Tomorrow would have been Tripp's 6th birthday. I take photos of the kids for their birthday, but I have no new ones of him. He is my forever baby. . . . It is actually funny. For years I pictured him as a baby, but lately I picture him as a kindergartener. Not sure how or when that changed in my mind. I wish I knew more about how heaven work and what he was doing right now. I think of Tripp more times a day than can be counted. I think of him without even being aware that I am thinking of him. There would be no possible way to count even if I tried. How many times a day do you think about your kids? Its the same thing with Tripp. Although, I don't have to think about getting him to hockey or having a snack ready for him after school, his being is woven into the fabric of my life. I think about him not being here all the time. Sometimes it comes from sadness and sometimes it is born of curiosity. What would our lives be like if he were here? What kind of boy would he be? How...

Angie at Still Life With Circles  is once again putting together her Right Where I Am project .  You can see the collection of posts from 2011 chronological order HERE . If you just want to read mine you can go HERE .  Last year when I wrote my Right Where I Am post I wasn't pregnant and as I sit down to write this year, my 3 month old son is relaxing in his swing beside me. What a different place I am in - and yet, so many parts of this space are exactly the same. It has been 2 years, 3 months, and 29 days. I still think about Tripp the moment I get up in the morning and continue to think of him dozens of times a day. Everyone says how much our 3 month old, Boone, looks like our  4 year-old, Calder. I sometimes find myself staring at the best picture we have of Tripp and wondering where he would fit in. Every part of me misses him and the family we were supposed to have. Boone was the first baby I held since Tripp. I would still say I don't hold babies, b...

Once again, Angie, over at Still Life With Circles is putting together her project, Right Where I Am . She has given parents who have lost babies an opportunity to write about exactly where they are in their grief. I participated last year. Click HERE to see where I was a year ago. Right now, in this moment, I am sad. I have been wanting to write this post for a week, but I knew it would make me sad, so I have been delaying. Thinking about Tripp and ALL that we have lost makes me sad, thus, the procrastination. I love this project. I think it is so important to reflect on where I have been and to acknowledge how far I have come.  So I will take a deep breath and immerse myself in my therapy. I had no idea when I started this journey how intricately woven my life would be with Tripp's. He isn't here, but yet he is here.  I get up in the morning and within 5 minutes I have thought of him. I put on my jewelry, I think of him. I drop Calder off at daycare and I think ...

I function better day-to-day than I did 2 months ago. I don't cry every day on the way to or from work, just most days. I rarely need an afternoon to myself in my sanctuary. I enjoyed work more in October than I did in September. The disappointment of being back to work babyless wore off and I was able to focus more on what I love there, kids and teaching. Halloween came and went. Another holiday without my baby. I didn't bother me that much. I definitely thought of him, but didn't pine over what he would be wearing. I did wonder if he would have been crawling yet. Calder was Charles (our cat) his first halloween and he crawled around the house his costume (Calder and Tripp's due dates were a week apart).  I guess maybe it did bother me a bit. I had to stop looking through my facebook news feed the last couple of days. Too many families with their babies dressed up. When people ask me how I am, I have started to say, "good." I didn't do that before. ...

Last night I was surfing around the internet looking for blogs that I could connect to and I found this one . The author has created a project for other mothers who have lost infants to talk about where they are in their grief.  I haven't read all of the posts yet (so far there are 40), but I can say they are all insightful and I really do connect with parts of all of them.  Here is mine. Tripp died 3 months and 6 days ago.  I am definitely in a different place than I was 3 months ago. It is a place where my emotions don't feel as raw and a place where I can cope a lot better.  The place I am at is still sad and exhausting, but it is better than the place I was at just after Tripp's death. I find it extremely difficult in the days around the 18th (his birthday) and the 23rd (his death day).  I feel like I am reliving those 5 days in February every month.  They are hard.  I feel relieved when I wake up the morning of the 24th.  It is over for a...