Just Jordan

So I didn’t totally want to read this book. I felt judged by the title. So at the risk of being embarrassed, here it is. I am terrible at washing my face before bed. Like REALLY terrible. I know I should and it feels good when I do it, but I barely ever do it. So that title made me feel yelled at. It pointed out something I knew I should be doing, but didn’t bother to take the time to do. Judged. But on the recommend of A LOT of people, I cracked the spine and read it. I am glad I did. Here are my big 3 takes: I live in chaos. 3 kids. A billet turned kid. A husband. 2 full-time working parents. 1 hour commute each day. Hockey. Homework. Piano. Gymnastics. Baseball. It adds up to crazy. But a good crazy. Like I wouldn’t want to do without a single one of those things. And within all that chaos, I meal plan like nobody’s business. I make cake pops for birthday parties. I pack snacks for the rink. I bake muffins.   I take pictures and make photo albums. I turn video footag...

I called my Grandma E last week and Danielle this week. I started my hockey Canada stuff. I may have put that on hold until I’m at home. I am using way too much data watching those videos. I put a hold on my running. This one is making me really sad, but my body is totally not cooperating. I had a groin/hamstring/glute thing going on since February. That has almost healed, but I tweeked my knee at ball a couple of weeks ago and it won’t stop hurting. The summer is the best time to run. I have so much time and the weather is beautiful. I actually feel like crying as I type this. I want to be healthy and for me being active is so much a part of it. I guess I have to redefine active to not be running. Sigh. I need a new phone. This seems like a strange thing to put on My Happiness Project’s list, but taking pictures and videos makes me happy. Long gone are the days that I lug my camera and video camera around (in fact I even forgot to bring them to the lake). Unfortunately, ...

I can't remember what chapter in The Happiness Project that Rubin talks about relationships, but today I was reminded of how much they make me happy. I had my bi-annual final exams lunch date with Deena . She is definitely one of the people in my life who are kindred spirits and no matter the time between visits we have a great time catching up, but also ALWAYS have meaningful conversations where we talk about more than just our day-to-day stuff. She touches my soul. On my way back to the school today I realized that not only do I need more of Deena in my life, but I need more of all my people. In working out how to make the time for this, I realized that coffee and lunch dates are just much too hard to organize. We are too busy. I hate that phrase, but, well, it is what it is. Way too many commas there, but I can do whatever I want on my blog. Anyway,  I then remembered that with our billet/son, Brad, Hugh and I have a phone date every week or two. These are always great visits...

So many people have been posting about the book Girl, Wash Your Face by Rachel Hollis that I desperately want to read it. I had meant to go to Indigo weeks ago to pick it up. Apparently, it is the kind of book that you make notes in and reference later, so your own copy is key. Needless to say, I didn't get to Indigo. I should have known myself and immediately ordered it online, but alas, I sometimes forget who I am. The desperation to get this book has been born from this sense lately, that I just want to be better. I don't really know what that means but somehow Rachel Hollis's book was going to help me be better. When I didn't have it this past Friday when Hugh and the little two were at the lake I got to thinking about My Happiness Project. Shortly after Tripp died, I bought the book The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin and started implementing many of her ideas into my life to help combat the grief. (I hilariously thought that was a thing!) Like most of the ...

At 7:11 pm I told Hugh we had a date night at 8 pm to watch The Walking Dead. I am down to 8 minutes, so this is going to be quick. So far I have spent my 49 minutes walking, hugging Calder for 13 seconds (a bit of bonus time for me) and editing some photos. I made my goal for the month of January to go on the treadmill 3 times a week and write once a week. I nailed both. (For the record, the last week I only went on the treadmill twice, but our entire house had the puking flu, so I thought that was even above and beyond.)  As for February, I had a man-cold to start the month. I have no idea what that is, but everyone is saying it and I had it BAD.  I am still sick, but I am so much better that I am telling people I am healthy. I am back on the treadmill boat for March! The blogging may be my favorite part of my January goal. I have LOVED pounding away at the keyboard. It really solidifies that I need to write to be my best me. I enjoy it so much. I also need to stay on to...

I hate New Year's goals. Like really hate them. As I read through my Facebook feed January 1st I actually felt annoyance. What was the point of a resolution? Who actually keeps them? And there it was. The root of my annoyance. I don't like New Year's resolutions because they make me feel guilt. I don't keep them and then feel bad when I don't. Prime example. My Fit Bit. I haven't worn it in months. Why? Isn't it obvious? I failed at it. I constantly felt like I had busy, productive days, but when I looked down at my step counter it would say 7000. I couldn't figure out how I was ever to make the 10 000 mark when I had spent the entire day on my feet. For a while I actually convinced myself that my Fit Bit must be faulty. In the summer, Hugh and I would both do about the same amount of activity and somehow he would be thousands of steps ahead of me. My Fit Bit probably isn't faulty. It just makes me feel bad about myself. With My Happiness ...

I pulled out my copy of The Happiness Project  yesterday. I wanted to start reading it again. I flipped to a couple of pages I had dog eared and began scanning. I recalled a lot of what I was reading, but wanted a chance to put it into practice again. What I saw at a quick glance was all so good and applicable to my life that I had a brilliant idea to head back to my original blog post from 3 years ago. It took some effort to find it. I didn't label my posts back then (add going back and adding them to my to-do list), but HERE it is. Tripp had been gone for 3 months when I started my own Happiness Project. Looking back I can't even fathom how I was even functioning let alone working towards being happier. As I type this my throat is closing up and tears are forming. I don't even like to recall the sadness I was feeling those days. It is still so sad that I very, very rarely every let myself go back to those early days. . . So I'm not going back. Not today, anyway...

I didn't have a great week last week. I felt sad. I felt overwhelmed. I felt deflated. I spent a good portion of the week feeling nervous and I couldn't seem to put my finger on why. Subsequently, I didn't feel like doing anything around the house, laid on the couch for any given free moment, spent way too much time on my phone, and ate my face off. Feeling emotionally bad breeds behaviour that tends to dig my self-created pit a little deeper. I then tend to feel worse and continue to do all those bad things to try and make myself feel better. On Sunday evening I decided I need to start climbing out of the hole. It took a good self talk and a list to claw my way a few feet closer to the surface, but it felt good. The list included the following: ABSOLUTELY no eating after supper. I am not hungry and do not need popcorn drenched in butter, or any of Calder's Easter chocolate (what little is left. . . I may have put a pretty substantial dent in it). DO NOT sit down...

Sunday, 7:01 pm What a weekend. We took Calder skiing to Wapiti on Saturday with my brother and sister-in-law. It was a beautiful day and Calder did amazing. It was such a fun time. Boone had a good visit with Grandma and Grandpa in Tisdale. I know he was spoiled with loving (Grandma followed him up and down their stairs dozens of times, so he definitely enjoyed himself!). Both boys had started getting colds and coughs on Friday. Today they are worse and I have the cold part. I had a 3 hour nap today which seemed to help. Hopefully some orange juice tonight and a good nights rest will leave me feeling well for my first day back to work. I am flat out of sick days, so I need to get myself mended! My first day back to work. . . . I am feeling a myriad of emotions, but I am trying not to think about them. Tomorrow is going to arrive and I have made my decision. And it was a good decision. I don't want to let anxiety and sadness ruin the bit of excitement I have for starting some...

On Saturday, thanks to Hugh and Deena, I went on a whirlwind shopping spree. Deena posted about it HERE . There are a few pictures on Deena's post if you want to check it out. I am going to do a bit of returning, exchanging, and a bit more shopping before I post my new wardrobe! Deena is amazing. She scooped out all the stores before we went and had me take pictures of a bunch of my current outfits. It was great because it forced me to go through my closet and see what I really had and in my case what I was lacking. The last time I shopped was in Toronto with Deena 2 years ago in the spring. For the last 6 years I have either been pregnant or on Maternity leave in the fall (save the one after Tripp died), so most of my fall/winter work wardrobe is from 2007. After trying on most of my clothes I made a pile of things that HAD to go. All but 2 pairs of dress pants hit the dust. Not only were they out of style, they didn't fit. I lost my bootilicious bottom somewhere between Cal...

Tripp's birthday is tomorrow. He has been at the forefront of my thoughts all week and I have done quite well not letting my grief creep in. I have been reminding myself that the best way to express the love I feel for Tripp is to be happy. I know from the depths of my soul that Tripp doesn't want me to be sad and I feel like I finally have the strength to better honor his wish. About a month ago I read THIS  guest post on Kelle Hampton's blog. I was touched by the writing and the story and was inspired to act. I grabbed a package of Hershey's Hugs and left them on the doorstep of a random house. I wrote the hash tag #honoringmaura on the bag and tweeted a picture of my kindness with the same hash tag (at the request of the post's author). As I drove away after my drop off, I knew this was something I wanted to do for Tripp's birthday. Tripp has touched my life in ways I could never begin to express. I am grateful and thankful that he was brought into my l...

A few years ago as I started my teaching career in Saskatoon I started hearing the word, "engaged" around all things teaching. Then a year or two later, I started hearing it EVERYWHERE.  It turns out engaged isn't just a buzz work for education, it is a buzz word for a multitude of companies and disciplines. I have been talking with my counsellor about gratitude and in the last few weeks I have felt such a connection with that term. Now, everywhere I turn I am inundated with it. I see posts about gratitude on some of my favorite blogs, I read quotes about it on Facebook, and I hear about it when I turn on the radio and t.v. Gratitude is the new buzz word, but I don't care. I like it. My new intention is to try to feel gratitude in all facets of my daily life.  I have a long habit of finding sadness in change. I remember feeling so down on around my 18th birthday because 18 meant you were an adult and I loved being 17 and still classified as a kid.  In many ways I dr...

I have had a lot of emotions swirling the last few weeks. . . Going back to work and a major family decision looming at the front. I feel like I have a bit of clarity today on both these fronts. Yesterday, Hugh asked me how I would feel about this particular point in our life if I were in 2054 looking back. Would the decisions we are making today feel as big? Would we laugh at ourselves for worrying so much? Would we regret anything? I am choosing things now that will shape where I am in 2054. I realized today that if I look back on the last 20 years of my life, I don't have regrets and in truth am quite happy with where I am in my life. Recognizing this, I want to find more enjoyment in the life I have, because my life is mostly shaped by choices I made. I need to own those decisions. Rather than getting rattled about the ins and outs in my everyday life, I want to be at peace in those moments knowing I would not change anything about them, because it is my own decisions that ...

We had a great Christmas. We saw all our family and spent New Years' with a group of great friends. It was a fantastic time, but the moment I realized that the holiday season was over, I got a little bit sad. This isn't something new this year, but for some reason it hit me a little bit harder than other years. Maybe it was because Calder really got it this year and it made it so fun, or maybe it was because I have a few other things weighing on my mind. Whatever the case, last week I found myself with a serious case of post-holiday blues. I was grumpy. I snapped. I wanted to lay in bed all day. I cried. I complained. I ate like crap and spent as much time as I could on the couch*. Finally, I broke. The full-out meltdown kind. And it helped. Nothing was solved, but just getting it out somehow made it drag me down a little less. Monday, I began the slow climb out of the hole. I ate better (until a tub of mixed nuts got the best of me before bed). I exercised. I completed tas...

A good friend posted THIS on her Facebook wall stating, "Jordan  this reminded me of some of the great yet terrible ways you have taught me to be a better friend."  How true. Good can come from tragedy if we choose to learn from it.  The article is titled, "6 Mistakes People Make When a Friend's Child Dies", but I think the lessons transfer to a number of situations.  For me #4 really hit home. The first Christmas is hard and seeing pictures of other people's healthy bundles ripped at my soul. I found birth announcements even harder. I know they were never sent with the intention to hurt, but part of me just felt like healthy babies were all around me, yet I didn't have the one I wanted in my arms. The cards were a fast reminder of how unfair things had become in my life and what I had lost. Just over a year after Tripp passed my cousin and his wife sent me a birth announcement and thank-you card for their precious little bundle M. Inside the  envel...

The color of a person's skin does not matter. Everyone is equal. Right? Well, I think so and it was important to Hugh and I that our kids grew up color blind. We wanted them to choose to play with another kid because they were funny and shared a love for NASCAR (if it were Calder!). We wanted them to realize that the teacher at the front of the class was fabulous because of the things they did, not because of the color of their skin. Because of this, we never acknowledged that anyone with a different color of skin was any different than we were. We didn't discuss race at all. In fact, we ignored it and as it turns out, we were doing it ALL wrong. I have read the chaper, Why White Parents Don't Talk About Race , from Nurture Shock  by Po Bronson and Ashley Merryman 3 times. I am fascinated by it. In the book, the authors discuss how Dr. Rebecca Bigler ran an experiment with pre-schoolers. She had half of the kids wear a blue shirt and the other half wear a red shirt to sch...

I just read Kelle's most recent  POST over at Enjoying the Small Things . Kelle responded to some negative feedback she has gotten on her blog. I related to it on a blogging level and personal level. I haven't got negative feedback in the comments section of my blog, but I have gotten a tiny bit through other mediums. Most of all I connected to her response because I often worry about what people think about what I post. Stupid. I am worrying about things people MAY or may not  be thinking. Worrying about being judged in a negative light is one of my greatest faults. As part of My Happiness Project (which is always ongoing even though I don't specifically write about it much), I am constantly working on this. The truth, as Kelle writes, is that we are judged regardless of what we do. If I write about Tripp there will be people out there saying (or thinking)  "Get over it." If I don't write about Tripp, there will be people out there saying (or thinking)...

I woke up Friday with a cold. It had been taunting me the previous couple of days, but on Friday it officially arrived. Unfortunately, it also arrived for Boone. Nevertheless, the boys and I had plans so in the morning we loaded up the van and headed to Elk Ridge to meet Hugh (he was already there for meetings). We had a great day together as a family touring Waskesiu. The weather was beautiful and Calder, along with Hugh and I, got quite a kick out of all the wild life we saw. Friday night my throat was killing me. My nose was a faucet and I know Boone felt the same. He got up four different times during the night hurting and unable to breathe (he typically sleeps through the night). When Saturday morning arrived all I wanted to do was pack up our stuff and head back to our couch. Luckily for me, Hugh got up with the boys. I put some ear phones in, turned on my white noise app and caught a few more z's. When I got up for the day I felt slightly better, but still debated skip...

Saturday is my race at Elk Ridge. I am feeling nervous, but I don't have the same expectations I did when I ran Color Me Rad. . . For some reason before Color Me Rad I thought that even in a race I would be able to find some space and just run. I pictured myself running and it looking EXACTLY like it does when I go for a run at home. Me and a bunch of wide open space. What was I thinking?  I don't think this race will be as crazy as running Color Me Rad, but I am preparing myself to be running along side other people! Hopefully this will prevent me from feeling like elbowing anyone! Then when I got to Color Me Rad I forgot how hard it is to run. For some reason I thought there would be adrenaline flowing and I would just find a groove and be gone. I actually imagined it being easy. Even though there might be a bit of adrenaline flowing on Saturday, I am still going to have to pump my short little legs, force oxygen into my lungs and repeat to myself over and over "I ca...

I recently read THIS post by The Bloggess and was so compelled by the topic that I began sifting through the comments. It is there that I found THIS Ted Talk by Brene Brown titled "The Power of Vulnerability". When I set out to watch the talk I was super pumped after reading the summary. Brown studies human connection. I don't know if you remember, but in the months after Tripp died our counsellor suggested Hugh and I really think about what we believe in. After a lot of thought, I realized that the thing I believe in more than anything is that we are all connected and it is those connections that give us fulfillment. I watched the Ted Talk in eager anticipation. I was convinced I would have an "ah-ha" Oprah-style moment. I didn't. In fact, at the end I was disappointed. Brown started by talking about connection, saying that "It is what gives us purpose and meaning in our lives." I was psyched. Exactly how I feel. She quickly moved on to tal...