Just Jordan

Tomorrow would have been Tripp's 6th birthday. I take photos of the kids for their birthday, but I have no new ones of him. He is my forever baby. . . . It is actually funny. For years I pictured him as a baby, but lately I picture him as a kindergartener. Not sure how or when that changed in my mind. I wish I knew more about how heaven work and what he was doing right now. I think of Tripp more times a day than can be counted. I think of him without even being aware that I am thinking of him. There would be no possible way to count even if I tried. How many times a day do you think about your kids? Its the same thing with Tripp. Although, I don't have to think about getting him to hockey or having a snack ready for him after school, his being is woven into the fabric of my life. I think about him not being here all the time. Sometimes it comes from sadness and sometimes it is born of curiosity. What would our lives be like if he were here? What kind of boy would he be? How...

5 years. We celebrated Tripp's birthday as a family last Saturday. Sushi and cake! I have felt very emotional this year. Five feels like a big one. We are snowboarding today. I feel closest to Tripp when I am outside. Although, I won't be able to sit on his bench today, I know the mountain air will have little pieces of Tripp suspended in it.  I plan to breathe them in. My chest feels heavy. Last week my sister sent me THIS . I have seen it on Facebook before and it is really good. "T he waves never stop coming, and somehow you don't really want them to." Today I will be on Instagram and Twitter. Follow me @jmhammy or #rememberingtripp to connect with us and with Tripp. Please use the hashtag if you do anything in memory of Tripp. It touches our hearts. Love Jordan

Often it feels like things stay the same when it comes to Tripp, but when I really get to think about it things are always changing with him as well. I don't have milestones to reach with him, but my feelings are forever evolving. I can't tell you how my heart swells to tell you this. Calder talks about Tripp ALL THE TIME. He often says he wishes Tripp were here to play with, or wonders where Tripp would be sitting when we are all piled on the couch. Calder also will correct anyone who suggests he only has one brother and when he counts people in our family he always says 6 (new baby included). He also wanted to take a picture of Tripp to school along with our family picture (They are learning about families and Madam requested a picture). This feels incredible to me, because it was only about a year ago that I wondered if Tripp's life would have an impact on Calder's at all. I felt sad thinking it might not, but I also understood that it was Calder's life and wha...

A little over a year ago I attended Hugh's convocation. He got his special education certificate from the University of Saskatchewan. Who knew the University gave out certificates? And that they take as many classes as a masters to get? Calder spent the day at daycare. If you have been to a convocation you know why. They are BORING. I didn't go to either of my ceremonies, yet somehow I have been to 2/3 of Hugh's. Ha! I am very proud of Hugh, so I bit the bullet and took Boone to sit in the crowd and cheer him on during his 4 seconds of recognition. :-) As I was waiting for things to get going I wandered around the upstairs lobby with a 3 month old Boone in my arms. I figured even for him it was going to be a long haul sitting in the audience. As I wandered I took note of a little boy and his grandma. When I approached them the woman reached out to me and asked me how old Boone was. Thus began our 20 minute conversation. I returned the comment by asking how old her gran...

I saw this on Facebook. Mother's Day is a hard day for me, but there are lots of people that find this day hard. I read THIS article on Huffington Post that speaks volumes.  Hugh planned an amazing day for me. I got to decide everything, which is exactly the way I like it. We stayed close to home, got outdoors for some ball and had a cuddle on Tripp's bench. Albeit a quick cuddle. Boone wanted to explore and was not happy to be contained to my lap. Calder did a great job of cooperating during those few seconds. . . These were the two best photos! I also got some amazing gifts. Hugh had the boys create a card for me and the boys' daycare helped Calder and Boone put together one for me as well. They were perfect.  A few months ago at counselling, my counsellor suggested that I could imagine there was a long, long cord that connects my heart directly to Tripp's. I picture this...

I'm not sure what it has been about the last week, or what has lead up to this last week, but I am finding myself extra sad for Tripp. I think maybe it started a couple of weeks ago with parent teacher interviews. There were a number of parents who asked how many kids we had. When you have a child who lives in heaven, that feels like a bit of a loaded question. I told most of them about Tripp, but a few I didn't. After I felt bad I hadn't told all of them, but I know exactly why I chose not to. Sometimes it is hard to tell people about my dead baby. No. Check that . Sometimes it is hard to receive people's reactions to my dead baby.  I could make you a list of a dozen things in the last week that made me cry. I even cried twice in the van on the way to and from work. I don't do that as much anymore, so twice in one week is a lot. Last night all I wanted to do was eat. Stuff my broken heart would food. It is surprising how good indulging can make you feel. Even...

February 18 came and went. As much as I love celebrating Tripp, I am glad to see the day pass. For whatever reason I find this week in February more difficult than any other typical week, so I always feel a sense of relief when it is over. This year I didn't let myself go back to those moments of 2011. I thought about the best ones, like when I started bawling when they said, "It's a boy" because I was so happy and when I almost blew my incision right out laughing while eating lunch with Hugh in the hospital cafeteria. I let myself remember what it was like to hold Tripp in my arms and what it felt like in those very special moments that Hugh and I purposely never shared with anyone. The rest I left a blur. It wasn't an easy day, but as always my days are always better with Hugh and our kids, so that's exactly how we spent it. I tweeted our day, if you want to take a look click HERE . You can also see a number of the other wonderful things people did #Rememb...

Tripp's birthday is tomorrow. He has been at the forefront of my thoughts all week and I have done quite well not letting my grief creep in. I have been reminding myself that the best way to express the love I feel for Tripp is to be happy. I know from the depths of my soul that Tripp doesn't want me to be sad and I feel like I finally have the strength to better honor his wish. About a month ago I read THIS  guest post on Kelle Hampton's blog. I was touched by the writing and the story and was inspired to act. I grabbed a package of Hershey's Hugs and left them on the doorstep of a random house. I wrote the hash tag #honoringmaura on the bag and tweeted a picture of my kindness with the same hash tag (at the request of the post's author). As I drove away after my drop off, I knew this was something I wanted to do for Tripp's birthday. Tripp has touched my life in ways I could never begin to express. I am grateful and thankful that he was brought into my l...

Yesterday was Hugh's birthday. I don't even have to ask him what he wants to do. It's always the same. Steak supper at home with us. I stepped it up a bit this year adding scallops and a homemade banana cream pie (Hugh's ultimate dessert). I asked Hugh in the morning if he was excited for his birthday and he replied, "I am excited, because you are excited." I seriously love birthdays. I feel like birthdays are a time to give thanks and Hugh's is no exception. I am so thankful that I get to spend every day with such a kind, loving man. Hugh is a fantastic partner and father. I hope he had an amazing day and I wish him all the best in year number 37. Speaking of birthdays, Tripp's is less than a week away. I think about it lots, but I haven't been dreading his birthday or the anniversary or his death like I have other years. I have been seeing a new counsellor (I still LOVE Brad, but I was looking for something a little bit different). There are ...

I had an incredible conversation at a Christmas party last week. There were tears and laughs and I walked away trying to remember all the things we spoke about because it felt like many of them directly touched my heart. The woman I spoke with, like me, has an intimate relationship with grief. Although K. is 25 years ahead of me on her journey and the loss she suffered quite different, I feel like she knows exactly how I feel. I have known of K's loss for a number of years. She reached out to me after Tripp died and has sent me many kind and considerate words over the last 2 years. Even though I knew about her loss, I had never heard her entire story. She shared with me the events leading up to and following the death of her beloved. I found myself repeating, "I would not have been able to do that" over and over in my head. Even as I thought it, I smiled at my own mistake. MANY people have told me that they wouldn't have been able to function, or go on if they los...

Everything happens for a reason... That is one of the worst things I can possibly hear when it comes to Tripp's death. In my mind there is no good explanation as to why Tripp was taken when he was and the idea that God has a bigger plan doesn't sit well with me. The God I believe in is good. He wouldn't hurt Tripp on purpose. He wouldn't hurt me on purpose. I remember the first time I heard someone say it. I know exactly who said it to me. In fact, I know every single time it was said to me and who said it in each case. That is how badly it makes me feel. I heard it most recently this fall. I felt sick about it for 3 days. I don't think any of these people meant it maliciously. They were trying to be comforting. The problem is "Everything happens for a reason" is not comforting. I mean, think about it, what kind of reason would be a good one for ending the life of an infant? Maybe Tripp was going to grow up and commit a horrific crime?    Maybe I did s...

Tripp used to always be one of the first things I thought of when I opened my eyes, but last week I realized that I don't think of Tripp before getting out of bed anymore. I'm not sure when that started happening but I have been tearing up about it ever since I became aware. The thing is, I know that it is okay if it takes me until I hop in the shower or have my first sip of coffee before he hops into my mind, but for some reason still hurts. I am grieving less and although I know that it is a good thing, it is just another reminder of how far I am moving from the moment I got to hold him in my arms. Maybe I need to think of it as moving closer to the moment I get to hold him again. . . I told Hugh about my revelation last night. I could barely spit out the words. Saying it out loud hurt more than I ever expected. Since I became aware I have been trying each night to make a note to pay attention in the morning to when I think about him. Silly, really. If I actually remember...

We got to spend our weekend with both sides of our family. We are so fortunate to be able to live so close to some of the most important people in our lives. Thankful. There are no pictures. I forgot my camera at home. Sigh. I am taking a photography class and was so looking forward to practicing in the beautiful fall weather. C'est la vie. Well, I guess I shouldn't say, "There are no pictures." This picture was an iPhone snap. All the Hamilton grandkids. One missing. There was a hole. Hugh and I felt it. On Sunday, I felt my heart urging time to turn back. I wanted to live in February 2011 just for a few precious moments. I even pondering going back to the fall of 2010 and having IVIG treatments so that Tripp would be born healthy and not sick. Crazy talk . Time only moves forward. This is my life, regardless of how badly my heart wants something else. I rarely wish for a different outcome for Tripp anymore. It's not that I don't want it. It's ju...

Yesterday I had two friends burying a parent. Unfortunately, I couldn't be in two places as once (the funerals are at the exact same time), but I did cancel my plans for Monday afternoon and found someone to look after Calder so I could attend one of them. It was a no brainer for me. My gut was telling me that although I didn't know the deceased, I needed to go to support her daughter. I have shared this one with you before, but I wanted to write about it again. One of the very first lessons I learned from Tripp was what to do when someone is grieving. There was a time before we lost Tripp that my gut would have been telling me to go to a funeral, but my brain would convince myself otherwise. I used to think that you needed to know someone to attend their funeral, but that isn't true at all. Going to a funeral can be to celebrate someones life, but it can also be to show your support to the loved ones left behind. The most powerful thing people gave me after Tripp died ...

After Tripp died I struggled with God. How could He do this to Tripp? To me? To our family? In hopes of finding an answer I turned to books. It's what I do - whether it be about parenting or photography, if I want to learn more I go to the book store. I knew right away a book I needed to read. I have posted about it before, but am to lazy to go back and find it :-) It is called, When Bad Things Happen to Good People , by Harold S. Kushner. Growing up I was taught that God was all-loving and all-powerful. Kushner opened my eyes to the fact that maybe God isn't both. If God is truly all-loving, would He have purposely hurt me like that? And what about Tripp? How cruel was it to give him life for a mere 5 days. Tripp never got to meet his brothers. Tripp never got to make giggle at himself in a mirror like Boone is starting to do. Tripp missed out on so, so much. If God truly loved Tripp and I, why would he purposely hurt us? Kushner challenged me to consider what I believe. ...

I haven't written about Tripp in a while, but for the last few days it's all I've wanted to do. The thing about writing about him is more often than not there isn't anything new to write. I miss him. I think about him all the time. I still feel moments of envy and constantly wonder what our life would be with 3 little boys instead of 2. See, nothing new. This week there actually is a bit of new. I am anticipating a family event without Tripp. My brother, Luke is getting married to the lovely, Brittany. I am feeling similar anticipation to that I've had before some of our "firsts" or before Christmas or Mother's Day. I am sad that on one of the most special days of my brother's life, Tripp will not be there. I am sad for Luke and Brittany. I am sad for me. The great thing about Luke's wedding is that we will be surrounded by family we don't often get to see. So along with the sadness I am anticipating, I am also anticipating some great c...

Tuesday 9:25 pm Today was a day I thought about Tripp a lot. It started when I read THIS blog. It made me cry and wonder what Tripp would say to me if he could. I went into the city today. Alone. It was a treat to have time to think on my own. I heard songs on the radio that brought Tripp to my mind and tears to my eyes. I'm not even sure now what the songs were. I think it was maybe a day that I needed to have a cry and those songs gave me the freedom to release. I went shopping for a dress to wear to my brother's wedding in August. While I shopped I thought of the last time I attended a traditional wedding 2 years ago. I was nervous about seeing people and self conscious about how I looked. I was sporting my post-pregnancy body without my baby on my hip. This time I was much kinder with myself as I shopped. It helps that Boone is here and he will be on my hip at Luke's wedding. I went to a couple of stores looking for something that Boone could wear to the wedd...

I am very lucky to have grown up with an involved dad. He played an important role in raising me. It wasn't luck that got me an incredible father for my children. I had my hand in picking him out. Well, in the very least it wasn't ALL luck ;-) Father's Day, as with Mother's Day, is a very emotionally charged day for me. I had my moments. Happy and sad. I feel extremely fortunate to have my father in my life. I feel a powerful love when I see Hugh with Calder and Boone. And I feel a deep sadness when I think of what Tripp and Hugh are both missing out on. The Bloggess wrote a post I really connected to on Mother's Day. It is one of her more serious variety and if you feel like I do on these days, you may enjoy it. It's titled "Happy Whatever". We went to Tripp's tree. Hugh and I sat on the bench while Calder played with his best girl, Emery, from next door. Hugh snapped a couple shots of Boone and I as we waited for Calder ...

We were at my parents this weekend and after a bit of a sleep in on Sunday I devoured some pancakes and breakfast sausage (there is no better than my dad's). My mom, brother, Hugh, Calder, Boone, and I then joined my Grandma Fritshaw at her church service later in the morning. It was the first time I have been to church since before Tripp died, with the exception of a funeral. I believe in God. I just am still not sure how the church fits into my life, yet. When we arrived at Grandma's church we were welcomed by numerous members of her congregation. What a friendly group of people! I spent most of the service in the "babies" room. Boone was hungry and cranky. When I finally got him settled the sermon was winding down. The pastor's wife played THIS video for us. It is worth a watch - although I didn't watch the whole thing. It is a video about a mother's love. I knew when it started playing it would be sad, but would have an uplifting message. I immedi...

I got some feedback after my last post and I realize I didn't paint a very clear picture. I want to do a bit of clarification because I pride myself on writing exactly how I feel and although I feel all those things in that post, there are a few things that I wish I would have added. When we left the hospital I was consumed by sadness over our loss. I think it was the immense joy I was feeling to be able to bring a healthy Boone home that instigated this sadness. I talked about the idea of feeling sadness and happiness at the same time a lot when Tripp first died. When we left the hospital with Boone is the perfect example of that. I don't spend hours crying over Tripp. When I put Boone to bed it takes approximately 5 minutes. I might have tears for half of that time and I might only cry once or twice a day (and I didn't cry at all this weekend). After I lay Boone down, I wipe my eyes and carry on with my day. The difference between now and 2 years from now is that my g...