Just Jordan

Wednesday, 7:21 pm Today it is 9 months since Tripp died. I used to dread this day and the preceding week with all my might. Now, I certainly don't look forward to the anniversary, but it doesn't consume me like it did before. A number of times the last month I have had to count in my head to see how many months its been. This is the first month I have had to do that. I used to just know. I didn't even realize it was the 23rd until a 5th period student asked me the date. I had to look at the calendar to figure it out and then I repeated it to him twice. Once for him. Once for me. I thought about telling that group it was the 9 month anniversary, but it didn't feel quite right. I thought about Tripp a lot on Friday (the 18th) and I thought about what it would be like for me this week. But at that time I didn't dwell on it, nor did I bother to count forward the 5 days to see what day of the week the 23rd would fall on.  I am sad tonight. But not sad eno...

Image from Partylite.com I have been thinking a lot about what Christmas is going to be like for us. Holidays are for families to be together and ours is missing a piece. I wanted some way to recognize Tripp so I started googling, "remembering loved ones" and "remembering lost loved ones at Christmas" for ideas. The first thing I knew was that I wanted to get a special candle to light for Tripp at Christmas. I recently bought a special one for our everyday use from Partylite. Tripp's candle is the one on the far left. I like how the pillar looks protected. I will let you know how it looks in our house once the order arrives. I want a Christmas Candle that I can pull out every year that is specifically for Tripp. I am not sure if I want it to be an angel, but I do know that I want its style to be able to stand the test of time and I know that price doesn't matter. I have looked and looked and haven't been able to find anything that speaks to me. So I...

As the months get further away from Tripp, I find myself more comfortable around babies his age. Time is the obvious factor. Time for me to grow more comfortable with my grief and time for babies to grow. Tripp will forever be newborn and the more time that passes, the further kids his age are away from being newborn. When I see babies at the grocery store sitting up by themselves or others crawling around at the library, I think of Tripp. It does hurts, but I can honestly say that the pang of grief is far worse when I see newborns. Being around my nephew, Pace, the last few weeks has been significant in my healing and on Saturday I looked after him and niece, Maddy on my own (Hugh was at hockey). Pace will always remind me of Tripp, but that pang of deep sadness has gotten less stabbing in the almost 9 months since Tripp passed away. On Saturday I relished the opportunity to get to know my nephew. We played, we danced, we cuddled. There were moments I truly ached for Tripp, but th...

Sunday was easily one of my top 5 happiest days of the year. Calder was sick. He had no appetite and a fever all day. In fact he was so sick that he didn't play hockey once all day, nor did he pull out his bucket of cars. Calder was down and out. How could my son being sick be one of the best days of the year? Easy. Calder cuddled with me almost all day. Calder virtually never wants me for anything (in fact we recently had to implement a "mom takes you to the potty every other time" rule, because Calder doesn't even want me to help him with that).  Sunday was different. He cuddled with me on the couch without needing to be coerced. He hopped up on my lap at the table when Hugh was just two chairs over. He curled up on my lap while we watched Toy Story. Sunday I felt like I was a mother to my sick son. It was amazing. You may think I am exaggerating how Calder is with me, but I'm not. And its not a phase.  As my sister, Jes, said after Hugh was fake whinning ab...

Thursday, 7:05 pm As Calder was having his snack, I sat at the table picking away on the internet. I have been debating for a while how I wanted to display a picture of Tripp and a month or so ago I decided I wanted to get a portrait done. This would allow us to have a picture of how he truly looked without any of the tubes or swelling. (I am also going to get a portrait done of Calder at the same time. That way I can display two similar pictures of the boys.)  I eventually exhausted my search on kijiji.ca. I think I found someone, but I'm not sure if she is the one so if you have any suggestions, I would appreciate them.  I then turned my search from an artist to the right picture. I scoured through the few "good" pictures of Tripp trying to find the right one (and at the same time wishing I would have taken one from a bit different angle or a bit closer up). I started to cry.  Calder looked up from his corn flakes and asked, "what are you sad about?...

I don't have much to buy for Christmas this year, but my first choice of venue to shop is online. I already picked up a mini-stick hockey net and am in the process of purchasing some of Disney's Cars for Calder (he has really been into Red lately). This week I also picked up a couple of birthday gifts and some stuff for a craft online. I am not a big fan of shopping. I find making a decision hard when I am on the spot. I hate wondering if I will find something better later, or if I could get it cheaper elsewhere. I'm also not a fan of hopping in and out of a vehicle when it is cold, nor do I like battling crowds. At home, under a blanket, a couple of lit candles and maybe even a glass of wine (the really cheap stuff that tastes more like pop than wine) is how I like to do my shopping. So that's it. I am out of here. I need to get this shopping done ASAP to prevent the stress of wondering if it is going to arrive on time. My favorite online stores are Costco, ebay,...

Calder has been sleeping in his big boy room since Friday. Last night was the first night he crawled out after we put him down. Hugh and I suppressed our laughter as Calder slunk out the first time. He was trying to be so sneaky. He had his back pressed against the hallway wall as he shuffled along. Hugh and I got a hold of ourselves, said goodnight and I laid him back down. Not 30 seconds later we heard rustling. I got up from the kitchen table just in time to catch Calder opening his bedroom door. I didn't say a word, just put him back in bed. We didn't hear from him again. . . until 11:30 pm. Calder called for Hugh because he had to go to the bathroom! We were pretty proud of him this morning when he had a totally dry diaper! Calder has still been sleeping 12 plus hours. Last night he was asleep around 6:45 pm and this morning at 7 am we had to open his door to get him to wake up. We are beginning to wonder if he needs his nap back. Hugh and I are going to give this new be...