Just Jordan

In The post I didn't write , I talked about the moment I had a Drew's birthday party when I counted 5 kids instead of 6. On Monday, after reading that post, a friend wrote me an email. She spoke of her brother's passing and noted that, " he is STILL at every family occasion and is NEVER far from my thoughts. That is how it is SUPPOSE to be. For what it is worth, I still count 8 siblings EVERY time our family is together. We cannot separate  love and grief; one only makes the other stronger." I had an "ah-ha" moment and a little cry. I am supposed to notice that Tripp is missing. Of course.   I talked to another friend this week and she told me that the posts about Tripp are her favorite ones. She said that she didn't get to meet Tripp, but hearing about my grief is part of Tripp's story. Those posts help her get to know more about Tripp. I needed to hear those things this week. I needed to get the supportive emails, texts, and comments on...

Monday 7:17 pm I took today off work. My soul is thanking me for it. Calder and I had a marvelous time today playing, chatting, and dancing. We visited with friends in the morning and more friends in the afternoon. We had a terrific day together.  Often times I am on here sharing my funny stories about Calder, or how I am struggling to find my place in his world. Today, I am going to brag. Calder is an amazing kid and today I got to see so many of the reasons why he is such an amazing boy. He shared, he played well, he used his manners (most of the time ;-), he was gentle with Drew, he ate his lunch like a champ, he listened, he cooperated, he giggled, he joked, he danced like a maniac, not to mention, HE ONLY GOT ONE TIME-OUT!  Today did wonders for my soul. I got a few things done at home that had been eating away at me. They probably took all of 45 minutes, but they had been on my to-do list for months. I visited a friend, Heidi, this morning. We had...

Friday's post isn't the one I wanted to write. I wanted to write about Drew's (Kerri's son's) first birthday party. I wanted to write about the giggles, the 3 big boys racing around, and the dance party. I wanted to write about how I counted 5 boys. And how I couldn't stop thinking that I should have counted 6. Drew was going to be Tripp's best bud. Drew turned one. Tripp remains 5 days old. I didn't write that post, because I am so conscious about what people think. . . or maybe more so, what they say behind my back. I know there are people who say, "Why is she STILL writing about Tripp?" and "She needs to just get over it." And I do know they say it. It sometimes gets back to me. I know I shouldn't let it bother me, but no matter how many times I tell myself that the people that are saying it, only do so because they don't know what it is like to lose a child, I can't stop the pain that those comments cause me. ...

Or you are the Grinch before his heart grew three sizes. You might not need Whoville or Christmas to expand your heart. . . check out this video! Isaac's Live Lip-Dub Proposal Have a wonderful weekend!

This morning Calder came to my side of the bed when he woke up. This isn't rare, but it isn't the norm either. He wiggled up with Ella, his stuffed elephant. She is soft and worn from all the hugs, snuggles and baths in the washing machine. Calder pulled his blankey over top of us. This is even softer and even more worn. It was mine when I was a baby. My mom used to laugh at me for moving it from house to house through university. No, I didn' t sleep with it. Just couldn't part with it! Lugging it around and secretly wondering if I had attachment issues has paid off when I see Calder dragging it down our hallway. I enjoyed my morning snuggles and slowly made my way to the shower. As I headed to the bathroom, Calder says, "Mommy, I'm not going to fight with you today." Alleluia  To Calder's credit, he had a great morning. We only have about 45 minutes with him before we take him to daycare and during that time he cooperated, smiled and laughed. Fa...

Is it July? My patience is wearing thin. Here is the ramble I gave to my grade 11's today: CAN YOU PLEASE get your notes out? . . . There is no reason that I should have to tell a group of grade 11's to open their books - THREE times. And some of you don't even have your books out yet! Everyday, at the start of class, for the ENTIRE semester, I have been asking you to find your notes. And yet here we are. . . THREE TIMES.  I feel like I am talking to my 3-year-old son when we start class.  I constantly have to ask Calder things multiple times in order for him to do them. Like, "put your toys away" or "come to the table." The difference here is that HE IS THREE. YOU ARE IN HIGH SCHOOL. . . (Those of you STILL locating your notes need seriously examine what you are trying to get out of this course. . . And High School for that matter.) I didn't say that stuff in brackets out loud, but I screamed it at them in my mind! LOL Send me some patienc...

The lake was a bit on the cool side, but it was a great time. My whole family was there. We visited. We relaxed. We read. We did a puzzle. And Calder entertained us the entire time. I wish I could show you the pictures, but truth be told you are lucky to even be getting a post this morning. Because I want to Chuck. My computer. Out. The. Window. Sign. I have been having problems with our iMac. It keeps freezing up. It is under warranty, so the Apple techies have been helping me over the phone, but tonight when iPhoto won't open Apple is still enjoying the May long. Probably if I turned the computer off and then on again, the problem would be solved, but I want to start calling them every time I have to do it. This computer is a dud. I want a new one. We have had our MacBook for 5 years and it has NEVER given us a moment of grief. I wish I could say the same for the iMac. Moving on. My heart feels heavy today. I am thinking of the losses two friends have experienced an...

Conversation with Calder last night: C: Do you know people die sometimes? J: Yes I did know that. C: Sometimes people die with their eyes open and some people die with them closed. J: I picture Tripp's last breaths. How did you know people die? C: I just knew. J: Do you know anybody who's died? C: Uhhhh. . . . yah. . . monsters. J: Your brother, Tripp, died. C: Why? J: I don't know honey. C: Wrinkled brow and sad voice.  Why? J: I just don't know. Tripp is in heaven now. C: I don't like heaven. J: Heaven is a wonderful place. Tripp is in a really wonderful place. C: I don't like it. We talk about Tripp with Calder. Not very much, though. He still doesn't fully understand. And other than saying, "You have a brother, Tripp" there isn't much else to say. I look forward to the day he fully understands. I am ready to see Calder upset that Tripp isn't here. I am ready for him to draw a picture of our family and put an angel in...

In a follow-up to her post We Bloom , Kelle Hampton from Enjoying the Small Things  wrote Your Stories: We Bloom . In it Kelle showcased 5 women's stories of stuggle and personal growth. These women,  like me , shared their story in the comments section of her original post. If you didn't read them, it is worth a look. These five woman have faced different struggles and managed to, as Kelle puts it, "bloom." In We Bloom , Kelle speaks of gratitude and ever since I read that post on Mother's day I can't stop thinking about what gratitude means. Kelle writes: When we hear stories of heartache and loss, I think we naturally immediately turn to our own good fortune and say things like "Wow, am I ever grateful." Gratitude is a wonderful and necessary emotion and yet, in these instances, to say I'm grateful doesn't seem enough. It can sometimes feel rather like "I'm grateful those things happened to you and not me." Although the...

Tuesday, 7:03 pm Calder has been in bed, asleep for 13 minutes. He was exhausted tonight. Tell-tale signs were that he was crying more than usual and rubbing his eyes at supper time. There are times when I absolutely LOVE his 7 pm bedtime. In fact, most nights I LOVE it. But not tonight. Tonight the sun is still shining. Families are walking and biking by our house. Our neighbors are out in their yards with their kids. And I am sitting inside, staring out at them! A bit creepy, but I doubt anyone will ever admit that it is. Because that would mean they would have to admit they were a bit creepy themselves for staring in our front window :-) I guess it's not all bad. I am exhausted. There are plenty of things on my list, but the house is quiet tonight and I am going to enjoy it. When Hugh is home he likes to have background noise. Usually it's the radio, but sometimes it is a hockey game or America's Funniest Home Videos (although, usually AFV moves from background n...

I love being outside in our yard. After playing ball on Sunday, I couldn't think of a better way to spend the rest of Mother's day! We accomplished a lot - nothing exciting enough to post pictures of though! I just love the planning and anticipation.  Which perennials are going to come up? What flowers should I put in the front flower bed? What can I add to my garden? Where will I put the peas? LOVE IT! The boys cutting the grass Today's post is short, because roomy #1 is BACK! Without flash I like the natural light, but the photo is grainy. With flash Crisper image, but I don't like the lighting as much. I have a lot to learn! My brother, Luke, is spending tonight and Thursday night with us on his way and from some meetings for work in Edmonton. We have Luke's girlfriend, Brittany, to thank for this visit. She is out of town for the week, so Luke's go-to crash pad is unavailable! Calder was so excited that Luke was going to be here this morni...

Hugh sat down with Calder today and asked him some questions about Big Mama. What is Mommy’s favourite colour? -            Green - purple What is your favourite thing to play with Mommy? -            colour Where do you love to go with Mommy? -            Basketball… Mommy’s baseball game?  Yeah. What is the favourite thing that Mommy cooks for you? -            Noodles. The wheel ones. What do you love about Mommy? -            The city.  What do you love about Mommy ?  Hugs. Happy Mother's Day.

On Wednesday President Barack Obama tweeted, "Same-sex couples should be able to get married." Alleluia.  And yet there are some things about all the attention this is getting that is seriously sad for me. The first is that as wonderful as that statement is, it's just that - a statement. Obama doesn't make any election promises. He just says takes a side. I wished he would have made a commitment to making that dream a reality. The second is the fact that the American economy is in the tank and people are saying that this statement could may make or break the election for him. This fall we sat down with friends of ours from the states. Hugh's buddy is a firefighter. His union has negotiated wage cuts the last 2 times they have been to the bargaining table. And things are so bad where he lives that he is glad to take the cut. Could you imagine seeing your friends, neighbors and people in your community in such dire straights that you would be willing to take...

Kelle Hampton over at Enjoying the Small Things wrote We Bloom yesterday. Kelle tells her story in her book, Bloom: Finding Beauty in the Unexpected . I haven't started it yet, but I have heard from a good source (aka Deena) that it is inspirational (it also may make you cry - although as my source (Deena) says, "the good kind of tears"). Yesterday Kelle asks her readers to share our stories with her. Here is mine: Last February, my husband wheeled me off of the maternity ward empty handed. Our son, Tripp gave it everything he had for 5 days, but after all options were exhausted by his doctors, my husband and I made the most difficult decision we have ever had to make. We decided to let Tripp go. I was forever changed that day in February. The death of my son caused pain I previously could not have even imagined. I felt sadness in the deepest parts of my soul. I begged and pleaded for things to be different. Over and over I repeated, “It’s not fair.” I was angry a...

Of these four statements, three are true and one is a lie. Can you guess which is the lie? When I was living in P.A. a bartender did one of those "blowing fire" tricks and started my hair on fire. While waiting in line at Warmart last year a snobby looking chick tried to edge me out of line. After politely saying, "excuse me, I was here first" and getting no response, I rammed my cart into hers and forged ahead. At the Warman Rodeo a few years ago a drunk cowboy bumped into me and didn't apologize. I threw my entire beer down his back. While teaching in Brooks I participated in a teacher relay and while rounding the bend got ahead of myself and wiped out in front of every track athlete in the division.

How do you stop your mind from taking you to the worst possible place? When you find a lump, how do you stop yourself from thinking its cancer? How do you prevent yourself from planning what you would say in your final good-bye to your husband and kids? When your child walks to school for the first time, how do you stop yourself from imagining a stranger snatching them up? How do you quit conjuring up images of the horrible tortures that they would face? When a loved one hops in their car to travel on a blizzardy winter's day, how do you stop yourself from imagining them hitting black ice and going into the ditch? How do you shut your brain off so you won't make their funeral arrangements and write their eulogy? In my experience, imagining the worst has not helped me deal with the worst when it happens. The moment I got pregnant with Calder and Tripp, my mind would wander to those "what ifs". A mom's worst nightmare happened to me and the worrying I did be...

Last night I surfed. Here are some links I found. Play At Home Mom has some GREAT activites to do with kids - especially if you aren't afraid to get a bit messy! I love the shaving cream garage. We will have to give ours a spray down before attempting this! If you have some time to kill, Draw A Stickman is a great interactive game. I quite enjoyed it. . . Any kid capable of drawing would too! Lastly on a more serious note, I connected in a number of ways to the post that Glennis made at Momastery . "Sometimes, Love Doesn’t Win. Or that’s how it feels anyway." This is the kind of post that could make a person cry. Just so you know. Have a wonderful weekend. I hope it is restful and productive and that the sun decides to shine!

Calder would not stop tapping his fork at supper last night. He tapped it on his chair, on his glass, on the table and on his head. Trying to inspire our drummer boy to stop, we told him we would find him some drums to play after supper. His drum set started out as our largest pot. Hugh didn't think that was enough, so he added two more. Calder banged. Hugh and I danced. And then as soon as Hugh and I stopped dancing, Calder would stop playing and demand we start dancing. We obliged. Eventually, Calder needed "all the drums" and emptied out our entire pots and pans drawer. It was loud and fun and I wanted to get lost in the moment. I wanted to capture his smile and etch it on my memory. I wanted to immerse myself in all of Calder's pride and joy as Hugh and I danced away to his made-up tune.

My Grandpa Fritshaw knit. Grandma got him started to give him something to do in the winter. He mostly knit mitts and socks. If you are a Fritshaw, you have at one time proudly worn an item that Grandpa knit. I loved when people used to ask me, "Where did you get your mitts?" I reveled in telling them my grandpa made them and seeing the look on their face when I did it. In fact, most of the time people would think I said my grandma made them. And it would take a few, slowly enunciated words to get them back on track. Grandpa Fritshaw made these socks. I want to have them forever, but I know my Grandpa is looking down at me thinking, "Jordan, those socks were meant to be worn." So as some sort of compromise I wear them, but only on special occasions. Yesterday was one of those special occasions. Those socks represent comfort and love. And you can never have enough of that.

I love being outdoors in the puttering around the yard. Yesterday was so nice after work that Calder and I ate an early supper and spent our evening in the backyard. Calder was busy moving his mighty machines out of the city (aka his sandbox) and I was busy doing a bit of weeding (I hate that my tulips are barely out of the ground and the weeds are multiplying by the day). Ever since the snow started melting I had wanted to plant some seeds with Calder so that we could watch them grow. Yesterday happened to be that day. I didn't take my camera outside, so I don't have any stunning photos of our activity - sorry! I thought about getting it, but Calder was only interested in pushing two pumpkin seeds into the soil and filling up his one Lightning McQueen cup. It is hard to catch moments that only last 1 minute on film when I have to participate in the moment (next year I will make sure Hugh is at home so he can snap some!). I set up our little garden in our front window. Last...